Wonky Really Does Have Talent!
Joe Francis, the douchebag with the most punchable face in the world, is trying to cock block one of his former employees from releasing a tell-all which paints him as a “child molester, tax cheat, rapist, coked-out amoral direct marketer, violent thug and sexual predator.” You know, all the things Joe’s oldest auntie calls him when she pinches his face cheeks at family reunions. “You adorable little coked out tax cheat rapist you..”
The book FLASH! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild written by Ryan Simkin isn’t out yet, but he’s been releasing excerpts including this one about Wonky McValtrex’s ONE MAJOR TALENT!
Ryan writes that Joe called him from Europe one day and asked him to get twenty hits of ecstasy and four 8-balls of coke from Girls Gone Wild’s controller/drug dealer. Joe instructed Ryan to get the bundle of the bad shit to his girlfriend at the time Paris Hilton. Ryan put it all in a Camel ciggie box and met Wonks at Smashbox Studios where she was doing a photo shoot for Seventeen. Ryan went on to write:
I took out the Camel box and handed it to her, and she thanked me. We talked for a minute or two about the apparent difficulty of procuring those drugs in Europe. I asked if she was flying private, and she said, “No, commercial.” And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X. She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic.
Right after that they came in with her next outfit, and she put it on. She said we could stay for a while and watch, but we were tired, and our work there was done. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and my roommate and I went back to the car to go home. I don’t think we said five words to each other the entire car ride. I spoke to Joe a couple weeks later. He thanked me again for the favor and said it all arrived safe.
I guess so.
And I bet that when Wonky pulled out the Camel box in Europe, that shit was empty! Tinkerbell, the army of pussy parasites and all her crotch crustaceans snorted it all up! Do you blame them? Every day, they all sit in Wonky’s cooch cavern waiting for some kind of nourishment to come through. When it’s a peen, they just stand against her sour walls filing their nails and waiting for it to leave. But when it’s a box of something good, they fight over that shit Lord of the Flies-style!
Bitch’s pussy is like the opening to Ursula’s lair. I would call Tinkerbell and Wonky’s crabs “poor unfortunate souls” but they probably snort more coke than all of us combined!