Long Island’s very own Grand Dame (the “e” is silent) of Delusion White Oprah recently complained that the media is turning her child’s situation into another OJ Simpson trail. So White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan are distancing themselves from that comparison by hiring OJ’s former fucking lawyer ROBERT SHAPIRO! “If the mother isn’t fit! You must acquit!” – Shapiro channeling Cochrane
I swear. White Oprah’s last remaining brain cell is a runaway white Bronco that just doesn’t stop. It runs out of gas and it keeps going. It crashes into the center divider, but it just backs up, shifts into drive and keeps on…
Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro as her new lawyer, but he’s not going to appeal the 90-day jail sentence Judge Marsha threw at her FUCK U nail. Robert is going to try to convince Judge Marsha to put LiLo into rehab instead of jail. Robert’s son died of a drug overdose a few years ago, so he has a lot of experience with rehab facilities. Robert already has his eye on a certain rehab clinic for LiLo.
Wait. If LiLo is completely sober then why would she need to go to rehab at all? Here’s a quote from Enabler the Great in this week’s InTouch Weekly: “Lindsay is sober, yes. She went to rehab before the court ordered her. When I put my daughter in rehab, I knew she needed it. In 2007 — not currently. Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don’t fall through the cracks in this town. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She’s really growing up.” I’m just going to let that quote kick itself.
I will admit that I want to miniaturize myself so that I can jump on Robert’s furry caterpillar brow and ride it through a rose garden after a morning rain, but I’m not sure if Judge Marsha is as easily entertained as I am. So just in case, White Oprah should make room in her chocha for the bottles of fake tan grease she’ll have to smuggle into jail for her child.