Nicolas Cage Will Only Eat You If You Have Dignified Sex

The next time you’re dining at a fine establishment like Carrows, let’s say, make sure to ask your server if the animals they are serving had dignified sex before they were slaughtered and butchered. When they grab your arm to escort you to the parking lot, tell them Nicolas Cage gave you the tip. It should all make sense to them after that.

Nicolas Cage apparently will only eat creatures that curtsy, bow and say “good morning” (ala The Red Shoes) before taking their genitals out to get their fuck on. Nicolas tells The Sun, “I love all animals. I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles. I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.
I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

Of course. Would you expect anything less from a crazy bitch who used to live in a haunted castle surrounded by a moat filled with albino alligators and dino skulls? But you know, I don’t understand Nicolas’ logic. Wouldn’t animals who have polite sex be more wound up which would make their meat tougher? I’d like to think that all the animals I eat had hoof curling, tail yanking, utter squeezing, beak slapping, gill throbbing, dirty ass sex before they were sent to the butcher’s block. Going out with bang, you know.

And I guess Nicolas’ preference for animals who only fuck like dignitaries isn’t that strange. Dr. Laura will only eat animals that weren’t born out of wedlock.

via Popwrap