Blind Items will EXPLODE over this shit. Ted Casablanca passed the hell out. Some source tells People that Jakey G and Reese Witherspoon have said “so long, farewell” to each other after 2 years. No, seriously. Jakey totally performed “So Long, Farewell” from The Sound of Music for Reese. Jakey did it in costume and everything. He’s serious about his goodbyes.
The source didn’t give any details on why they split up.
Jakey just decided that his beard was getting too itchy and it was time to shave it all off. And Reese got bored with listening to Jakey and his “friend” rough house in the next room while she knitted a little bag for his favorite pair of anal beads.
And the line to be Jakey’s next beard forms to the left. That wasn’t meant for you, Squinty Zellweger. You’ve got your own!
UPDATE: Reese’s spokesbitch says this shit ain’t true. Her rep told UsWeekly, “It’s not true. They have not split.” Hmm. Reese must still be trying to renegotiate with Jakey. Reese, give Jakey weekends off and throw in a monthly anal bleaching and he will sign on the dotted line. Guaranteed!