At Least It’s Not Mop Head

I was a little worried when my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and that steaming cup of hot douche water Maksim Chmerkovskiy were pictured holding hands last September. I became a little more worried when Maksim called CHERYL BURKE a fat mop, because that’s something douchebags in love say about the object of their affection. I am pleased to announce that Maksim is promised to be married and it’s not to Mop Head. It’s to Mario Lopez’s former beard: Karina Smirnoff Ice.

E! News says that 28-year-old Maksim asked 30-year-old Smirnoff Ice to be his on New Year’s Eve. They apparently became loooovers while traveling together on the Dancing with the Has-Beens tour. They are both from Ukraine, so I’m hoping their wedding will be filled with gold, white feathers and rhinestones. Naturally.

I sort of knew they were humping on each other’s fake-tanned asses, but this whole “getting married” thing is a little surprising. The thought probably popped into Maksim’s pretty little head all of a sudden. He immediately bopped Smirnoff Ice over the head with his club, dragged her to his cave which is covered in pictures of himself (you know it is) and said to her, “You be my wife.” If I was to ever get engaged, that’s how I want it to go down.

And Karina should get her nose rotated again before the wedding. Her nose is starting to look like a lizard’s head and that’s not pretty.