2009 Already Sucks!

December 31, 2008 / Posted by:

Time Warner Cable has beat me down and cut me up so many times before, but like a dumb bitch I never quit them and now it’s going to eff me in the ass. I start going into minor convulsions when my cable goes out, so I’m afraid for my own safety come tomorrow. That’s because 19 channels will go dark starting at 12:01am on January 1st for Time Warner Cable and Bright House customers.

It all has to do with Time Warner Cable and Viacom acting like two stupid ass skanks! Those evil bitches are fighting over money, of course. Time Warner says Viacom wants to charge more for use of their whores including: MTV, MTV 2, MTV Hits, MTV James, MTV Tr3s, Comedy Central, CMT, Pure Country, Logo, Palladia, Nickelodeon, Noggin, Nick 2, Nicktoons, Spike, The N, TV Land, Vh1, Vh1 Classic and Vh1 Soul. Time Warner Cable doesn’t want to pay, because they will have to charge their subscribers more if they agree to it.

No Colbert! No Double Shot At Hep! No Three’s Company reruns! No MTV True Life! No Charm School reunion show! None of that! I might as well move to Tibet to become a monk, because I’m fucked. TV and booze are the only two friends I can count on in this world to keep me from flushing myself down the toilet. How will I go on without 19 less channels to choose from? Hmmm. Maybe I can make my dog wear a tin foil hat, run a cord from his ass to my TV and have him stand outside on the window ledge. I would probably get better service too compared to Time Worthless Cable! Don’t worry, I’ll pay him with freshly baked cat cookies and air kisses. I’d give him real kisses, but I’m afraid of heights.

Viacom created a little PSA above asking whores to complain to Time Warner, because if they don’t come up with a solution soon, cable TV will die tomorrow.

But why should we have to call and complain? These idiots need to settle it themselves! Shoot each other! Shank each other! Fist each other! Cage wrestle each other! I don’t give a fuck as long as I have my Vh1 tomorrow morning.

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