Vadge Needs My Help

Last week, pictures of Vadge looking like Tommy Girl’s used-up ass lips were all over the internet. This week, Vadge is looking a bit better, but she still looks like the saddest she-hulk in the room. You know why Vadge usually looks like she used to host a show on HBO from 1989 to 1996? It’s because she’s too fucking healthy! Seriously! The bitch works out too much and all she eats is seeds and grass. It’s not right.

This ho needs to spend two days with me and she’ll be back to normal! Here’s the Michael K way:

Breakfast: 8 cups of coffee with sugar and Coffee-Mate (french vanilla), 2 Pillsbury Toaster Strudels, a big glass of Tang and 2 Bagel-Fuls.

Lunch: 1 A&W Cream Soda, 2 servings of Easy Mac (their servings are small), 1 Mexican style Hot Pocket and your choice of a frozen Snickers or 1 Nilla Cakester.

Snack: Kraft Easy Cheese on Fritos or saltines with Kraft slices melted over them. Wash it down with a chocolate Slim-Fast shake.

Dinner: 4 vodka tonics and your choice of American (McDonald’s), Cajun (Popeye’s), Mexican (Taco Bell or Chipolte), Japanese (Top Ramen from the corner deli), Italian (Olive Garden) or seafood (Red Lobster). I would say Chinese, but we don’t have P.F. Chang’s or Panda Express around these parts which really sucks.

Exercise: 3 hours of reality TV, bong hits and at least 1 hour of porn (to boost hand eye coordination skills)

Vadge would look brand fucking new if she did it my way for the next couple of days. Her shit scent would make the lights flicker and the walls sweat, but that goes away after a couple of hours.

Here’s weepy Vadge and Lourdes leaving the Kabbalah center in NYC last night.