Would You Hit It?

Here’s a topless picture of Zach Braff that he tweeted to Channing Tatum with the question, “When are auditions for Magic Mike 2?” Please, Zach just wanted a reason to show his followers a picture of his succulent bacon-wrapped Vienna sausage nipples. You know, Zach Braff has always looked like a bird to me. He kind of looks like Michael Cera’s biological father bird. But seeing him topless in a dim lit office is kind of doing things to me. That selfie looks like a picture from Joyce DeWitt’s (it’s the hair) test shoot for Playboy. So yes, I’d hit it. But at this point, I’m so hard up I’d hit that chair too.

Which One Would You Rather?

I should probably be writing a full post about how QVC is following everybody else’s lead and trying to distance themselves from Paula Deen’s face anymore, but can’t we just assume that everybody is firing Paula Deen. Can’t we just assume that companies are hiring Paula Deen just to fire Paula Deen, because that’s what everybody is doing? Let’s just go with that and get back to something that is way more important and way more relevant to everybody’s interests: MAN NIPPLES!

A double dose of hot douche was served up at the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas today when Maksim Chmerkovskiy and his brother Val of Dancing with the Has-Beens came out for some Oil of Olay body wash event. Yes, Val’s hair puts the oil in Oil of Olay (somebody should really fly a plane full of COREXIT over his head), but other than that, I don’t know what the hell these two have to do with Oil of Olay. Since Val and Maks both look like they sweat Drakkar Noir, maybe taking one whiff of them will make you want to cleanse your nostrils out with Oil of Olay body wash neti pot-style?

As for my headline question, I’d normally go with Maks, but I’m going to say Val this time. But only because screaming out the name VAAAAAAAL will make me think of Valerie Bertinelli and who doesn’t want to think of Valerie Bertinelli while boning?

Pics: Wenn.com

Would You Hit It?

Keanu Reeves is 48 years old and he usually looks like an eternally young vampire who’s got an aging portrait of himself hanging in an attic somewhere. I’m guessing that Keanu wanted to throw people off of his trail, so he injected fat into his body, wonked his eye up a bit, pumped himself up with gas and got a double chin implant. Keanu walked off of a yacht in Cannes yesterday looking like a middle-aged  smoke shop manager who gambled away all his money and now lives under a bench at the beach and spends his days harassing women on the pier. You can’t fool us, Keanu! We know you’re still an ageless vampire under there.

And I’d hit Keanu circa 1995, Keanu circa 2005 and Keanu circa yesterday.

Would You Hit It?

If you have a vagina, it’s probably so squeaky clean that you can serve brunch off of it, because you’re in the presence of mega douchebag: CRISS ANGEL! With his nipples out, a Bump-It in his hair (that HAS to be a Bump-It), his Diesel chonies showing and his belt buckle pushed to the side (because he’s a trendsetter like that), the douche wizard shot an episode of his Spike TV show in Las Vegas on Thursday night.

I know Criss Angel’s hair always looks like something you’d find inside of a cage in the trauma ward of an animal hospital, but his hair looks extra fucked up here. Dude’s entire head looks like it’s covered in clip-on bangs. Dude looks like Anthony Kiedis after losing a fight with a Flowbee or the derpiest Jonas Brother after getting his haircut by who ever cuts the Long Island Medium’s hair.

Thanks to that Kate Gosselin circa 2007 hair and all that foundation smeared on his face, Criss Angel looks like somebody’s aunt, but he doesn’t look like my aunt, so I’d hit it. Typing that makes me want to dip my hands in boiled bleach, but the truth is the truth.

Would You Hit It?

Pimp Mama Kris finally released Nana Bruce from her cold, dead demon claws and let ole’ girl have some fun on the water with his hot sons Brody and Brandon Jenner in Greece yesterday. After seeing gross picture after gross picture of those Kardashian kunts in swimsuits, I, for one, am happy to see 63-year-old Bruce Jenner airing out his chile rellenos titties. That JCPenney salon special on Bruce’s head makes him look like a cross between Ann Romano’s psycho memaw and a senior citizen Chucky doll after taking too many female hormones. That IS the look.

This is the hottest ad for Estroven I’ve ever seen.

PMK has totally motorboated those chichis before, so I would not hit it. But I would massage his hands with Jean Nate lotion while we watch his favorite Murder, She Wrote episode together.

Would You Hit It?

Here’s Jamie Foxx on the NYC set of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 looking like a character that In Living Color had stuck in its throat for all these years and finally hacked up. We’ve already seen Jamie Foxx looking like a veiny Smurf dick as Electro and now here’s Jamie Foxx before a lightning bolt struck him deep in the ass. This one’s easy. No, I would not hit it, because that fake comb over is giving me “Donald Trump after a perm” vibes. Nope.

But I’d totally hit Andrew Garfield in his Spidey suit. I don’t know if that’s his natural bulge (it’s so not) or if the costume designer stuffed that suit with a guinea pig wearing a fat suit. I think this chick is trying to figure that out.