Would You Hit It?

Here’s Kelly Brook’s current piece David McIntosh from the now-canceled UK version of American Gladiators leaving a gym with her in West Hollywood yesterday. I didn’t need to tell you that David and his anaconda-swallowing-a-fully-grown-goat thighs were leaving a gym, because when he’s not leaving a gym, he’s going into a gym. After they left the gym, he went to Venice to work out and then he probably went back to West Hollywood to work out some more. You don’t look like “The Rock after swallowing Vin Diesel whole” by not working out every second of the day. To answer my headline question, DUH. One of my first crushes was one of those M.U.S.C.L.E. action figure things, so I’d hit it until the bulging biceps on his dick shaft split me in two.

And after staring at what’s in his extra-tight shorty shorts, I’m off to find a plate of bangers and mash to make out with.

Pics: Splash

Would You Hit It?

Because I went away for the weekend and all that Grammy shit, I completely missed these pictures of Michael “I’m Putting A B In My Name So You Know I’m Not THEE Michael Jordan” Jordan in Miami with a lady friend two days ago. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my family. I disappointed my country. I disappointed my God Bea Arthur and I disappointed you for not posting the man nipples provided to me. But like I always say when the clip I’m trying to watch on PornHub freezes, buffers and finally starts again, “Better late than never, now let me get these pants off.”

Before you answer my headline question, Michael B. Jordan told Glamour a little while ago that he wants a chick who can cook, because he’s old-fashioned like that and when they asked him if he’d respect a piece if she put out on the first date, he spilled out this puddle of stupid:

“No. No. Maybe…but a little less.”

So Michael, a human who can make decisions for himself, will gladly fuck a trick on the first date, but he won’t respect her afterward, yet he’d still respect himself? That’s just two tons of sense right on top of my brain. Can’t he just shut his mouth and look pretty?! Your words are ruining your pretty!

With all that being said, yes, I’d hit it. Yes, I’d let him pull into my Fruitvale Station, but I wouldn’t hit it twice, because I so wouldn’t respect him afterward. Obviously.

Would You Hit It?

If you’re asking, “But what is IT?“, let me remind you what he used to look like before he Brad Pitt-ized himself:

It’s Thomas Jane! The Thomas Jane who used to be married to Patricia Arquette and whose crotch you used to stare at while watching to Hung to see if his dick was ever going to make an appearance. Thomas grew out his hair, dipped it in Crisco, grew a beard and got himself a hitchhiker’s tan. Thomas Jane debuted his Coachella Jesus meets lead singer of a Counting Crows cover band look at the screening of Milius in L.A. last night. And DUH, of course I’d hit it. I’d also hit that cigar peen in his pocket. I’m never picky.

Pics: Wenn.com

Would You Hit It?

Between “savior of the gay community” and “savior of the art community,” James Franco can now add “savior of selfies” on his resume. It was so nice of James to share a picture of him fucking himself while staring at himself in the bathroom mirror.

The savior of everything queefed up this picture on Instagram the note, “All the kids are doing it.” When James Franco says “all the kids are going it” he really means “I’m doing it better.” And DUH, I’d hit it even if he made sign a contract promising to put a James Franco mask over my head, never take it off and only moan in his moan (he’ll give me audio of his moan to study for hours on end beforehand).

via Towleroad

Would You Hit It?

Johnny Depp has won several gold medals in the tragic sport of Fighting The Hot and you can put another gold medal around his neck for dying his locks a lovely shade of bladder juice. That hair screams: RAY-J WAS HERE. Having yellow hair is only okay if your last name is Simpson and you’re from Springfield. 50-year-old dudes should never ever have jaundice hair on purpose.

Johnny Depp debuted his new broken toilet hair color at The 57th BFI London Film Festival Awards Night in London two nights ago. Johnny was there to present Sir Christopher Lee with a special award.

And yes, I’d hit it, golden shower hair and all, but only if Sir Christopher Lee turned me down first.

Pics: Wenn.com

Would You Hit It?

Sarah Michelle Gellar finally unlocked the basement door and let Freddie Prinze Jr. come out to play and now we know that while he was trapped in there he was doing ab crunches and sloppily shaving his nipple area. Here’s a topless 37-year-old FPJ making witches cream on the next episode of Lifetime’s Witches of East End. FPJ plays some hot seasoned piece who gets with Madchen Amick (aka forever Carrie Fairchild from CPW to me).

And to answer my own headline question, will most Americans trade in their children for a free Venti Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks. YES! The answer is YES in all-caps. Like a fine wine and leather anal beads, FPJ gets better with age. FPJ’s elbow-length hair gloves really did it for me.

via E!