Speaking Of Fucked Up Amounts of Money….

You know that tape of a factory defected Real Doll humping on a pile of hairy caca? Well, Spencer Pratt has pulled the pricing gun out of his culo and stamped that tape with a bright orange sticker that reads: $5 MILLION. This is what Spencer told TMZ anyways.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid, who is negotiating with Spencer for the tape, doesn’t seem to think this amount is totally and utterly fucked up. Right now in a control room up in heaven God has just opened up the clear box covering up thee red button. His finger is hovering above it as Bea Arthur, his second in command, shouts, “Just push beadammit!”

Spencer also tells TMZ that he has enough footage to fill an entire website, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water. When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

To reiterate, Vivid might pay $5 million for a Twit and Twat sex tape! A sex tape! $5 million for a snuff film I can sort of see, but not a regular sex tape!

But in all seriousness, this couldn’t be more of a scam even if Spencer said the tape also starred an exiled Nigerian prince, a free Rolex watch, a sexy Russian bride and a box of 93% 0ff Pfizer.

Of Course: A Twit & Twat Sex Tape Is Coming Soon

On their “101 Ways to be a Famewhore” list, Twit and Twat have already crossed out “get fake married, “get fake everything installed into body, “get fake divorced,” and now they are slowly taking a Sharpie to “release fuck tape.” Even the broke down psychic cat in Santa Monica could’ve predicted this mess.

TMZ brings us the inevitable news that Spencer Pratt is trying to sell a sex tape starring him and Heidi Montag to the highest bidder. Spencer has already offered it up to Vivid Entertainment. Vivid’s Steve Hirsch had this to say, “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag. We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.”

Watching a half-melted Dollar Tree plastic doll lying on top of a patch of mangy butt hair from a blonde mutt is probably more exciting than Heidi and Spencer’s fuck tape, but I’d still press play on that shit. There’s been so many times that I’ve stared at the mound of fleshy hair growing on the giant penis head on top of Spencer’s neck and wondered if the theme continues down below to his crotch area. FLESH PUBES!

And seriously, Heidi’s probably not even in the tape. It’s just Spencer and his anal crystals.

Twit & Twat Are Really Taking This Publicity Stunt All The Way

Heidi Montag divorced her original face earlier this year, and now People is reporting that she is also legally removing the misshapen dildo up her ass. Twit filed for divorce from her butt plug of 1 year and her lawyer issued this statement afterwards:

“Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”

I could spend a million keystrokes on saying that these two dick holes got fake married so that they could get fake divorced so that they could fake their reunion for a fake new reality show, but I’ll save myself some time by simply saying what you’re all thinking: WHO GIVES A FUCK.

Pulpo Paul better watch it, because I’m officially physic.

I Thought Brad Pitt Shaved His Beard Off

Spencer Pratt was banned from last night’s finale party for The Hills, so he took a few clumps of tissue scooped out of Heidi’s back, slapped it on his face and then tried to crash that shit. Even though Spencer looked like something Nick Nolte coughed up after tossing Radio Man’s salad, the producers saw through his disguise and put his ass on the curb. According to the paps, Spencer later tried to crash the Inception premiere.

Joaquin Phoenix just crawled into Andy Kaufman’s coffin and they rolled over together.

Twit & Twat’s Latest Publicity Stunt?

Heidi Montag might still have one functioning brain cell left in her head that hasn’t been completely shaven down by her plastic surgeon because it was too fat (but probably not). Or this is just Spencer Pratt’s attempt at trying to kick Gary Coleman off the cover of People Magazine next week. Whatever the case may be, TMZ says that Heidi has galloped away from Spencer Pratt and is looking for a new place to live. That means Spencer can stick his crystals up his ass in peace now.

Heidi’s rep tells TMZ: “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

I think I feel you trying to care. Or maybe I’m feeling you trying to pass a fart. Yeah, probably the latter. If this is true, at least Heidi has her scary plastic monster face to remember Spencer by. Every time a child makes the sign of the cross at her, she can think fondly of that giant butt plug covered in flesh colored ass hairs.

And I doubt you’re even reading this since you’re still laughing at “focus on her acting career.”

(terrifying image that most of you are taking as a direct threat via Pacific Coast News)

Michael Bay Will Still Jack Off To This

This is Heidi Montag’s audition tape for “Transfarters 3″ (I think that’s what the hick at the beginning said) audition, and it’s the most hilariously terrifying thing I’ve seen since watching that toddler work a cig like a pro. Except that fag-smoking toddler has the smarts to turn the gun on the camerdouche (aka Spencer Twatt).

Miss Plastic Anal Bead face Twittered this sad display of patheticness to Michael Bay in hopes that he would cast her as Megan Fox’s replacement. The only problem is that the dildo-brained asshole Twittered it to a fake Michael Bay account. But nobody tell her that, because we need her to believe that her callback is being held at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Top Kill does need some villains.

And the saddest thing about this mess is that Heidi’s tortured gun doesn’t have hands to pick up another gun and shoot itself in the mouth.