Rita Ora And Andrew Garfield Made It Official By Walking Hand-In-Hand

America’s third favorite Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield, was spotted strolling in London with the same mystery woman he reportedly started dating back in November. It’s a big change for Andrew to go from dating a white-hot A-lister like Emma Stone, to a plain, nondescript gal like Rita Ora (that’s her name, according to Daily Mail). The pair were photographed walking together in the Primrose Hill neighborhood, and “Rita hid her peroxide blonde locks under her trendy baker boy hat” as if she thought she might be recognized. Which might actually be true. The Mail calls her “The Hot Right Now hitmaker, 28”, so I guess if I cared to Google “Hot Right Now”, I might be able to figure out who she is. She’s alternately described as a “blond bombshell”, a “singer” and “Your Song hitmaker”. This is my “Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues” moment, and I am failing miserably!

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The First Trailer For “The Girl In The Spider’s Web” Is Out

I’m afraid to say the new Spider-Girl movie looks a little dark. I know Marvel’s been touching on some heavier themes lately, but this is one superhero movie that looks like it’s no fun at all! At least Infinity War had some comic relief to break up the *spoiler alert* Greenday “Time Of Our Lives” crumble into dust montage ending *end spoiler*. In Marvel’s latest, The Girl In The Spider’s Web: Spider-Girl’s Revenge, Claire Foy takes over the role of Spider-Girl Lisbeth Salander, who was played by Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Spider-Girl Gone Wild.

Here’s the trailer for TGITSW:

I kid, of course. Marvel would never allow that haircut to taint its celluloid legacy. At least Claire opted to get an actual haircut for this role instead of going with a discount wig from Party City like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint. I never knew there was an agreed upon revenge porn hair style before!

I’ve never actually read any of the Stieg Larsson Millennium Series novels nor have I seen any of the movies because they are confusing. The Girl In The Spider’s Web is based on the 4th book in that series, but is actually the 5th movie to be made. First there was a Swedish production of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo starring actual Swede Noomi Rapace, plus two follow ups The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, also with Noomi. Then because Americans are too dumb to read good, they made an English language version of TGWTDT starring American actress Rooney Mara whose name is very similar to Noomi but is a totally different person. And Rooney has a sister, Kate Mara who is also an actress and I always get confused and think Noomi is Kate’s sister instead of Rooney. There are just too many damn girls doing too many destructive acts to keep up!

Pic: YouTube

The “Avengers: Infinity War” Trailer Is Here To Confuse Old People

The trailer for the upcoming Avengers: Infinity War is out and I’m confused. I’m not a comic book person but I am an American so I feel contractually obligated to see some of these Marvel movies. And I do! I saw the Captain America one where Cap had a tiny golem body for a minute, I’ve seen at least two Iron Mans, I saw one where everyone was all “look at how cute Spiderman’s butt is” and one where they didn’t say that. I saw the weird beard Asian wizard one and I think I’ve seen the first two Avengers movies but honestly I can’t be sure. I can no longer keep track! There are too many GD avengers!

I think the first line says it all. “There was an idea”. And then there was another one. And another one after that. And Another one soon followed. Pretty soon you have all these ideas pinging around, confusing old people like me who just want to live their lives in relative peace but keep going to see these movies so that the world doesn’t pass us by. I don’t want to turn into my mom who used to be baffled each time a new season of Survivor started and scream, “Who the fuck are all these people!?”.

But, that ship has sailed and so I ask, who the fuck are all these people? Who is the guy with the glowy forehead thing? Is this a A Beautiful Mind crossover? Who is the pink giant that looks like an enormous stubbed toe? Which Olsen twin is that? Why are the bugs from Starship Troopers in there? Lord, I’m going to have to accept that I can no longer keep up and resign myself to being old and out of touch. Advantage: Avengers.

Pic: YouTube