Rihanna Might Be Rolling Up On Wheelchair Jimmy’s Drake-Snake Again

After a whole week of NOPE-filled stories of Woody Allen and his not-right turtle-faced grossness (I could link to the Woody Allen posts, but instead here’s a picture of a dog cuddling a kitten) it’s nice to get back to business as usual: finding out who Rihanna is dropping her bad gyal coochie on. I never thought I would consider RiRi’s rode hard & put away wet ladybusiness a breath of fresh air, but here we are.

Sadly, RiRi’s new man isn’t her Number 1 Fan, Vin Diesel (no joke, that video makes me tear up EVERY TIME). The Daily Mail thinks Rihanna might be back to humping on Drake after they were spotted leaving Hooray Henry’s in West Hollywood together last night. RiRi exited the club first, then Drake followed shortly after, but they drove away in the same car which means they are 100% totally back together and you should get your ass to Crate & Barrel to buy them His and Hers hand towels. They also claim that back in November, the two were seen twice hitting up clubs (both strip and original recipe) but a source tells them RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy aren’t ready for a commitment, so for now it’s just fucking. You hear that Vin? You have a chance buddy!

Here’s more of Rihanna and Drake leaving Hooray Henry’s last night. Let stop what we’re doing for a moment and bust out a group prayer for Drake’s sense of style; that Bart Simpson angel shirt is a fucking abomination. It’s like one tiny step higher than a button-up with an embroidered Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. I hope after RiRi was done doing the dirty ooh-na-na-na, she had the wherewithal to do Drake a solid favor by grabbing that tragic red shirt off the floor and destroying it:

(Pics: Splash)

Khloe Kardashian Sent The Marla Hooch-Looking Jenner To The Hospital

If someone were to create a cro-mag version of The Man Show called The Caveman Show, I think I know two ladies who would make excellent trampoline girls.

Things got a little out of hand yesterday at the Jenner home (I say ‘home’ because I’m not sure there’s a word for ‘open fiery hole that leads directly to Hell’) when Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner started fucking around on the backyard trampoline. Not aware of her own Hulk-like strength, Khloe bounced her sister a bit too hard and she landed on her back (following in Kim’s footsteps, eh?). Kylie then posted a selfie to Instagram of her hand covering her face with the caption:

In the hospital thanks to @khloekardashian. my mom said “never thought I would take u to the doctor for a trampoline accident at this age) this means war Khloe. Ps. It was painful taking this photo.

I’m sure Kris was hoping that by now she’d be taking her to the hospital for a teen pregnancy or an overdose or something that would drum up much more publicity, but a trampoline accident will have to do. At the same time Kris was instructing the paps to meet her at Malibu Veterinary (Kris’s children are technically more hellbeast than human) Khloe was posting the above picture to her Instagram with the caption:

Kylie this is proof you did it to yourself! Sorry not sorry! Just kidding I am sorry my little bug a boo!! Let the war continue!!!!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if it turns out Khloe is actually a mole and is attempting to pick off each Kardashian/Jenner though a series of carefully orchestrated “accidents”? First Kylie on the trampoline, then Kendall in the pool, Kourtney on a jet ski, Kim reading a book (thinking would make her brain implode). Speaking of, as Kylie was getting ready to go to the vet, Kim joined Khloe outside on the trampoline:

Well what do we have here? A tramp famous for bouncing on big black things bouncing on a big black thing known as a tramp. I’d say that Khloe should have pushed her off when she had the chance, but it wouldn’t have done anything. Her body is padded in so much delusion it would be impossible to break any bones, and a blow to the cranium can’t do any damage when you’re already brain dead.

(Pics via Instagram)