Right On Schedule

That didn’t take long. Michael Lohan has responded to SamRo and HoHan’s response about his response about their response? I’m fucking confused. There’s so many statements being released through so many different channels. And White Oprah still isn’t involved! Coke got her tongue?

Michael released this butt fuck statement to ABC News. I picture his nostrils flaring and drool spewing out of his mouth while he said this crap:

“Who’s out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins.

She’s gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who’s out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That’s control. How can she say I’m out of control? I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay .

Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life.That’s what Dina told me. I’m reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy. Dina’s a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay’s good side instead of being a good parent. I don’t give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she’s going to turn around to me and tell me, ‘Daddy, you were right.?

Give daddy a Midol and a warm compress. He’s out of control. And if that doesn’t bring White Oprah out of hibernation, I don’t know what will. White Oprah, show Michael who is the queen of statements!

Michael went on to say that he has text messages and recorded phone calls with White Oprah and HoHan. He threatened, “If they’re going to say I’m lying, I’m out of control, I’m going to show that they’re lying and they’re out of control.”

He’s funny. Like he really has texts and recorded conversations with them. That’s not how this family communicates! They communicate through shitty statements released to the media. His “recorded conversations” were probably pieced together using sound bites from “Living Lohan” and “Mean Girls.”

Pass The Popcorn

HoHan’s main muff diver, SamRo, put her angry gayelle fingers to work and wrote a response to Michael Lohan’s attacks on her MySpace. The butchie is so mad she could bite a dick. Okay, she’s not THAT mad. It helps if you read this while wearing a strap-on. Don’t ask questions. It just helps. Trust.

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?

Shouldn’t her current mood be “gayelley“? I digress. Michael Lohan better watch his flabby, born-again ass! SamRo probably knows some major biker butchies who don’t fuck around. The lezzie fun doesn’t stop there! HoHan also posted a reponse to daddy on her MySpace. I’m sure she wrote this while doing the scissor with SamRo. These girls are talented. HoHan’s response is longer, so it’s after the jump. JUMP!!!!

DRUG FREE
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item.

I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on…

I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

I’m sure Michael would say it to her face, but she never answers his calls. And her face usually has a fur pie on it. She should have said: “If you have something to say! Say it to SamRo’s fur pie!” That would make more sense.

And did HoHan say her mother has never sold her out?! Even White Oprah is laughing at that one! Speaking of, why doesn’t White Oprah have a MySpace? She needs to be in the middle of all this fuckery. Honestly, did the woman fall down a K-hole or something? She’s been so quiet lately. The earth can’t spin correctly if White Oprah does not release one of her epic statements!

I love this born-again vs. lezzie drama! More! More! More! The pussy ball is in your court, Mista Lohan. Oh and can Anderson Cooper also comment on this shit? My loins are awaiting his response.

HoHan Wants Daddy To Stop

E! reported that HoHan’s favorite labia licker, SamRo, is planning to write a tell-all about her life. I think the working title is called “How To Bag A HoHan In 20 Steps.” Step 1 through 5 probably involve illegal substances, leggings, orange grease and cotton gussets.

Michael Lohan got wind (aka the media farted it in his ear) of SamRo’s supposed tell-all and issued this statement: “She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.” No, what’s in HoHan’s best interest is if you move to Pluto and change your name to Michael Blohard.

HoHan issued her own statement to Access Hollywood: “He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.” You see this, Michael? You’re going to make the gayelle cry! Nobody likes to see a sad, freckly gayelle!

The strangest part of this whole thing is that I don’t have a statement from White Oprah to post. Weird indeed. Where in orange hell is she? Did Nana Lohan forget to take her out of the tanning bed again?

They’re Walking The Wrong Way

Why are they walking away from Jack in the Box? Isn’t the luscious aroma of a Sourdough Jack beckoning them? Oh wait. A Sourdough Jack is made with beef. I forgot who I was talking about.

Somebody got their hair poo-pooed on! SamRo finally poured some Henna over that toilet water blonde mop she’s been working for sooooo long. I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand, she no longer looks like she has Billy Idol’s pubic bush on her head. However, her new hair paired with that outfit makes her look like a dykey nurse from the midwest who wears a pager on her waist band and drives a beat down Datsun pick-up truck.

And what is up with those outfits? Did they join some underground gayelle cult? Do they hold super secret meetings in Home Depot’s storage room?

Here’s more of SamRo and her lezzzzzzzzzzzzzbian lover going to lunch (not at Jack in the Crack) and buying dumb shit in Los Angeles yesterday.

Is Ray-Ban Paying Their Gayelle Asses?

I know HoHan and SamRo are supposed to be hipster lezzies or something, but damn! Can’t they wear something else besides Ray-Bans? Now, I’ve been known to put on a pair of Wayfarers now and then, but now it’s hard for me to do so without thinking about these coochie lickers. Damn then! Ray-Ban better be paying them the big bucks.

Here’s these two buying a bunch of dumb shit they don’t need in Los Angeles yesterday. All they do is fucking shop. They need to turn up the action. I’m waiting for the sex tape to hit the internets. I wanna see these two bump cokey ginas, smash pies, mack on a ham wallet, grill up a furburger…..something. Actually, I take that back. That would not be the gayelle sex tape of my dreams. Now a Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon sex tape is a different story.

Why So Queefy?

Is SamRo making a “queef face” because she thinks HoHan’s new hair stinks? I sort of agree. It’s like a lovely shade of peach barf. However, maybe she’s slowing embracing her inner ginge and her weave will soon make it to her natural color. But who knows what her natural color is anymore.

Even my mommy cares about the lesbionic adventures of SamRo and HoHan. Although, she doesn’t really know their names. She calls them “the butchie” and “that girl from Angry Girls.” Of course, she means the bull dyke and the ho from “Mean Girls.” You know how moms are.

Here’s “the butchie” and the chick from “Angry Girls” at the opening of Apple (no relation to the iPod hos) last night.