Everyone Is Breaking Up With Lance Armstrong’s Doping Ass

Livestrongers everywhere are wearing those rubber yellow bracelets at half-mast today, because the charity’s founding father has been kicked off of his rubber yellow throne for allegedly doping up. Livestrong told Lance Armstrong to take all of his pretty lil’ shit, all his happy lil’ shit, and get out of their house, because they’re sick of checking under his mattress for doping needles. So then Lance took his suitcase and shuffled over to Nike’s house, but they’re not looking to change their tagline to “Just DOpe It” and so they dumped him too. Bitch has no medals, has lost his sponsorship from Nike and the cancer charity he founded in 1997 wants nothing to do with his ass. Okay, well, that’s not totally true. Livestrong is letting Lance stay on the board, but that’s just a “Yeah, you can come by and have a powdered donut during our meetings, but it’s not like we’re going to listen to anything your DOPING ass has to say” move. Lance passed out this open break-up letter today:

“I have had the great honor of serving as this foundation’s chairman for the last five years and its mission and success are my top priorities. Today therefore, to spare the foundation any negative effects as a result of controversy surrounding my cycling career, I will conclude my chairmanship.”

With no charity to run, no medals to polish, no race to cycle in, Lance will do what every retiree does: watch Dr. Oz reruns, yell at children, tend to the gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard and practice their OMGIDIDNTKNOWTHATIJUSTBOUGHTTHISATACARBOOTSALE face when the cops bust them for having a gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard.

Lying Ass Lance will be fine, but I wonder how Livestrong is going to distance themselves from this semi-scandal? Obviously, they need to reinvent themselves and the only way to do that is to drop those yellow rubber bracelets and sell yellow rubber cock rings instead. Cock rings make everything better.

Well, There Goes All Of Lance Armstrong’s Medals

Lance Armstrong is done going ball out to fight the doping charges against him and is throwing up his hands and giving up. Because Lance is done brawling with those bitches at the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, he will be stripped of all 7 of his Tour De France titles and his Olympic bronze medal and he isn’t allowed to ever compete professionally again.

Lance still claims that he did not have relations with that syringe full of performance enhancing drugs, but he’s ending the dope hunt against him, because a ho can only take so much. Lance wrote a statement on his website (via People) yesterday and I should warn you, reading the first line will make you pull a tiny disco ball out of your bottom desk drawer (I know you keep one there) and hold it above your head while you swish your hips and sing out the lyrics, “I can’t go on, I can’t go on no mo nooooo!” You’re going to Donna Summer out (or Barbra Streisand out, depending on your mood), so you should warn your co-workers. Here’s a piece of Lance’s statement:

There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, “Enough is enough.” For me, that time is now. I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999. Over the past three years, I have been subjected to a two-year federal criminal investigation followed by Travis Tygart’s unconstitutional witch hunt. The toll this has taken on my family, and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today – finished with this nonsense.

I had hoped that a federal court would stop USADA’s charade. Although the court was sympathetic to my concerns and recognized the many improprieties and deficiencies in USADA’s motives, its conduct, and its process, the court ultimately decided that it could not intervene.

If I thought for one moment that by participating in USADA’s process, I could confront these allegations in a fair setting and – once and for all – put these charges to rest, I would jump at the chance. But I refuse to participate in a process that is so one-sided and unfair. Regardless of what Travis Tygart says, there is zero physical evidence to support his outlandish and heinous claims. The only physical evidence here is the hundreds of controls I have passed with flying colors. I made myself available around the clock and around the world. In-competition. Out of competition. Blood. Urine. Whatever they asked for I provided. What is the point of all this testing if, in the end, USADA will not stand by it?

Since Lance’s cycling career is over, he says he will focus on raising money for charity. One of those charities might be the Save Lance From Having To Trade In His Fancy Bikes For A Huffy Foundation, because there’s a chance he’ll have to pay back all of the prize money he won.

If you’re cheering at this shit, because you’re happy that Lance finally got his, let me poke at your buzz bubble just a bit. If Lance has to pay back that money, that means you’ll soon see his face on Dancing with the (Alleged) Dopers and every other reality shit show, because a check is a check and Lance might need a whole lot of checks right now.

Lance Armstrong Is Going To Be A Father For The Fifth Time

Lance Armstrong announced on his Twitter page yesterday that his girlfriend Anna Hansen is knocked up with his fifth child. This will be Lance’s second kid with Anna. They have a 10-month-old son together. Lance has also has twin 8-year-old girls and an 11-year-old boy with his ex-wife. Somewhere in the world, Sheryl Crow just kicked a puppy in his nutsack.

Lance is one of those hos who has a Twitter page for their unborn baby. Anna and Lance’s fetus is Twittering under the name @Cincoarmstrong. I’m trying to find this cute, but I just can’t. Here’s Fetus Armstrong’s first Tweets:

I got 2 arms, 2 legs, a nickname, and i’m 2 inches long. See y’all in October..
9:19 AM Apr 20th via web

I’m now the size of a lemon, 3.5 inches long, and weigh 1.5 ounces. And oh yeah, I’m on Twitter.
2:41 PM Apr 25th via web

Yeah, that is definitely not cute.

And Lance’s ball deserves the honor of being named Testicle of the Year. That bitch is working harder than a call girl during the Republican National Convention. Go, nut, go!

via People