Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Mutti” Was My Kind

Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don’t know that “mutti” isn’t a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow’s down low Apple maker. Let’s just get that straight, because that’s what I thought at first. “Mutti” is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy’s never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her “refined lady of the manor” act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.

Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner’s spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:

“She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell.”

Never mind that Fishy’s fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.

That being said, it seems like Fishy’s mutti never whooped her with a bag of Wonder Bread in the middle of a supermarket aisle nearly enough. I mean, if I EVER called my abuelita that word, it would be over for me. I wouldn’t even call her a half-a-labia. Or a clitoris. Or anything other than “pleasenoabuelita.”

Even if I called her that word today, the walls would shake, her spirit would take over my soul and I’d spend the rest of the day beating my nalgas with a torn off tree branch. Abuelitacism is a real thing and it’s no joke. NO PRIEST CAN HELP YOU! Let’s hope that Mutti Danner shows Fishy who the real cunt is by doing the same thing. And I bet Mutti Danner will force Fishy to beat herself her a plastic branch from a fake tree. That’s the real burn.

via Daily Mail

And Sad Keanu Thought He Was Sad…

Pictures of Sean Penn resembling Eleanor Abernathy dressed in costume as a pre-chunk Robert Smith made my August, and now he’s back with the same MAN DOWN CODE 10 wig on his head to complete my October. But why does Wyclef’s mortal enemy still have the same grouchiness on his face as though someone fucked their b-hole with his favorite red lipstick? Looking like a downtrodden Cher the day after the reviews for Burlesque come out….or like Edward Scissorhands the day Flowbees hit the market. A sad old queen with a sad old wig is just plain sad.

Here’s a few more of Sean Penn on the NYC set of No, No, No: The Neverending Saga of Amy Wino. No, he’s on the set of This Must Be the Place (aka a hard peen dangling over a certain golden statue’s mouth).

Nothing Says “It’s Monday” Like A Fuck Bomb

It’s Monday, so you’re probably dropping fuck bombs in your cubicle like Mel Gibson in need a blow. So why not bump your fuck bombs with Tiger Woods‘ fuck bombs (put a condom on your tongue first). At Saturday’s British Open, Tiger let the fuck word leap off of his tongue after he missed a putt on the 13th hole.

Tiger focused hard on getting that ball in and it failed him. Tiger tried to picture the hole as his mouth and the ball as a giant Ambien. That didn’t help him focus. Tiger tried to picture the hole as a cocktail waitress’ snatch and the ball as an anal bead (It’s Tiger, he’s kinky), but that didn’t help. Tiger tried to picture the hole as Gloria Allred’s mouth and the ball as a giant plug, but obviously that didn’t do the trick either. When Tiger missed the shot, he muttered to himself, “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Why the fuck did you do that?” and Tiger Woods are so perfect for each other that he should probably get that shit tattooed on his tongue.

via HuffPo