Category: Excuse You Bitch
Lady Gaga Keeps Finding New Ways To Be Obnoxiously Frustrating
And no, I’m not talking about being a head-to-toe assault on the eyeballs, either. At least not right now. Take a seat in the hallway, you tacky glittery wet Pepto fart of an outfit; I’ll be with you in a second.
There must be a vacant seat at the boardroom table of the Tee Hee, What’s Feminism? Association, because during her interview with Sirius XMs The Morning Mashup, Lady Gaga (or Lagy Gaag) said some stuff regarding the dynamic of her relationship with boyfriend Taylor Kinney that is sure to guarantee her a spot as either Vice President of Don’t Ask Me I’m Just A Girl or Secretary of Wifey Needs Help Opening This Pickle Jar. When asked about her relationship with Kinney, Gaga said:
“He’s totally in charge. I mean, when I am home, I am like, shoes are off, I’m making him dinner. He has a job, too, and he is really busy! I’m in charge all day long, the last thing I want to do is tell him what to do. It’s not good for relationships to tell men what to do.”
If you’re wondering what my face looked like after reading that horseshit, take Donna Meagle and multiply it by 200. It’s not good for relationships to tell men what to do? Who the fuck taught her about relationships, Tony Soprano? Or maybe this is just another creative way to sell copies of ARTPOP. “Gaga, we’re thinking it might be a good idea to reach out to some previously ignored markets. What do you think about the submissive wives of Utah? That’s a potential sale of 5,000 units, which would double the current sales! And if that fails, we can always try pushing ARTPOP to stay-at-home dogs.”
Okay, pink sparkle turd, it’s your turn. If Gaag’s offensively backwards relationship logic didn’t convince you that her brain was replaced with an overcooked ham and cheese Hot Pocket, then the costumes she wore this morning will. I don’t know which I like more: the head-to-toe pink glitter suit that makes her look like a stripper’s toenail, or the silver Reynolds Wrap suit that makes her look like a busted Moon Dreamers doll. Oh, don’t make me choose; they’re both so 1st year art college.
Pics: Splash
Lorde Verbally Slaps An Australian Radio DJ For Making A Taylor Swift Lesbian Joke
Lorde, the Emily the Strange doll with a spiral perm who was brought to life by The Craft witches, and 7 year high school senior Taylor Swift are friends, because 24-year-old Taylor has to take every teenage celebrity girl under her wing. Taylor has a lot of ~wisdom~ to share with the youngins, and teenagers won’t totally judge her when she wants to do something edgy like steal two bottles of Mike Hard’s Cranberry Lemonade from 7-Eleven and drink ’em under the bleachers after curfew.
The two have been papped together, so while talking about her upcoming tour in Australia on KIIS 1065’s Kyle & Jackie Show, trolling radio troll Kyle Sandilands asked Lorde about her relationship with the walking Big Sister Club of America (And Beyond). Kyle tried to act like he wasn’t asking Lorde if her and Taylor are starring in a real-life remake of Blue Is The Warmest Color (but since it’s Taylor, it would be called Lemon Meringue Blonde Is The Warmest Color), but that’s what he was asking. Lorde wasn’t here for his Taylor Swift questions or for his lesbian jokes.
Kyle: Are you bringing your new bestie Taylor Swift? I see you guys in pictures everywhere. Are you guys together now?
Lorde: Uh….
Kyle: Not together, like as in lesbian, I’m not talking “Ellen” together. I’m talking about, you guys are friendly, right?
Lorde: What do you mean you’re not talking about “Ellen together.” Is there something wrong with lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?
Kyle: Oh my god no, I would love that. I would totally love that. Are you going to confirm you’re in a lesbian relationship with her?
Lorde: Don’t even try it.
The hell kind of question is that? Lorde is 17 (here comes the Lorde age truthers) and I know Taylor is a chickenhawk who likes them young, but I’m pretty sure 18 is her cut off. Lorde & Taylor (I bought my mom a scarf there once) are just a teenage girl and a 24-year-old woman who thinks she’s a teenage girl doing teenage girl stuff together as friends! That’s all. Besides Taylor doesn’t have time for a full-time relationship. She’s much too busy doing other things like breaking into Karlie Kloss’ closet and taking notes of all the clothes in there so she can buy the same things and studying hours upon hours of footage of Karlie Kloss’ breathing pattern so she can replicate it. Dating a 17-year-old? That’s crazy. Taylor isn’t that creepy!
A Stranger On A Plane Tells Kourtney Kardashian’s Kids To Shut Up
I should start by saying that no matter how annoying or awful a kid is behaving, I believe it’s bad juju to go up to a random stranger and tell their kid to Shut Up or Shut The Fuck Up or Shut That Fucking Kid Up (because usually an extra-strength cut-eye will suffice and it won’t get your ass beat). However, I am willing to open the floor for discussion on whether this rule applies to something that shares DNA with Kris Jenner. Please keep your statements to 3 minutes in length, and just a reminder that ‘evil, awful viper woman’ is not a valid argument.
According to The Daily Mail, while returning from a recent vacation in Mexico – THANK GOD THEY MANAGED TO FIND TIME IN THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES TO GO ON VACATION – Kourtney Kardashian had a verbal run in with a fellow passenger on their flight, who told one or both of her kids to pipe down. Kourtney, being the definition of “She is her drama-loving mother’s daughter”, took to Twitter to show that nosy bitch who’s boss by tweeting this:
That’s pretty rich, coming from someone who’s only famous because their sister kept her mouth wide open and filmed Ray J’s dick going in and out (ZING).
We don’t know why that anonymous hero stranger told her kids to shut up, but I can imagine it’s not for the reason Kourtney thinks it was. The stranger (let’s call her Gladys because it’s ALWAYS a Gladys) probably got the feeling she was in the presence of Satan, and turned around to find a Kardashian sitting behind her. Knowing that Kris is Satan’s messenger on earth who obtains souls for the underworld by sucking them out through the mouth, Gladys heroically commanded the children to close their mouths before their souls were taken and they became a minion of Hell. Gladys was doing your kids a favor, Kourtney! Speaking of souls, a little part of mine dies every time I have to type Kourtney’s name; say what you will about Courtney Stodden, but at least she doesn’t spell her name like a fucking daytime stripper.
Here’s more of Kourtney and Scott Disick, who’s kind of giving me Gordon Bombay vibes (I don’t hate it) arriving at LAX after their trip:
(Pics: Splash)