Elin Has Checked Out

I KNOW! More Tiger Woods shit. You’ve got tigers jumping out of your asshole, tigers falling out of your ears and tigers crawling out of your mouth. Even Tony the Tiger is about to change his name to Tony the Striped Puss to distance himself from this shit! I know that, so I chose this picture of Tiger and Elin with an adorable dog friend to help ease your frustrations. And to also prove that Tiger really does have a way with the bitches. Anyway….

Radar is screaming that Elin Nordegren has packed up all her stuff and moved out of their house. A source said that Elin is staying at a house nearby. The source also said that Tiger is doing whatever he can to get her back home.

This source needs to fuck me gently with an Ambien pill, because I highly doubt Tiger is trying to get Elin to come back. We all know what he’s really doing….

MISTRESS WHORE POOL PARTY/MEET AND GREET!

Seriously, Tiger is currently chest deep in mistresses past and present. The Ambien is flowin’!

Rachel Uchitel Is Ready To Tell The Truth (In A Press Conference)

Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress whore in the Ballad of Tiger Woods’ Wandering Penis, will hold a press conference today with famewhore lawyer Gloria Allred. Rachel will most likely come clean about having an affair with Tiger. TMZ says that Rachel initially lied about fucking with Tiger on the down low, because she wanted to protect him. When the National Enquirer first broke the story, Rachel put on her black bob wig and became the Queen of Denial. But now Rachel is ready to admit that she’s been carrying on with Tiger for some time now.

Hopefully, NeNe Leakes from The Real Broke Housewives of Atlanta will be on hand to tell Rachel to “close her legs to married men, trash box.” When you hear those words from NeNe, that means you’re officially a member of The Homewreckers Club and President Sienna Miller will be sending you a welcome package (containing a pre-paid cell phone, a list of all motels that charge by the hour and a voice changer) in the mail very soon. And THERE’S MORE!

TMZ also says that a text message from Rachel is what started the fight between Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren. A source told them that about an hour before Tiger savagely murdered a sad fire hydrant, he was text messaging with Rachel. Elin caught him in the act, grabbed his phone and called Rachel to verbally beat her ass with a 5 iron. This led to Tiger and Elin getting into it. After all was said and done, Tiger’s phone was broken and there was damage to his entryway. This is why Tiger didn’t let the officers into his house for questioning. Tiger didn’t want them to see that Elin pulled a Naomi Campbell by busting walls and lamps with a Blackberry. Elin is not the one. Really. She isn’t.

Tiger really needs more people, because who the hell texts with their mistress whore while their wife is in the next room?! That’s what a trip to the store “to get milk” is for. Tiger must as well have beat himself with the golf club, because bitch had it coming.

And this press conference is going to be a wreck! Rachel thinks she’s the next Jessica Hahn. BITCH DON’T! Jessica Hahn was classy enough to tell her side of the story to PLAYBOY. That’s how real hos do it.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger….

As promised, UsWeekly has released a voice message Tiger Woods left for his alleged mistress whore Jaimee Grubbs (or G. Rubbs if you’re nasty). You should get on the floor and stretch, because you will be getting down to the dance remix of this in the near future.

In the voicemail, Tiger tells Jaimee, “Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”

Does Tiger think Elin Nordegren has loganberries for brains? First of all, Jaimee’s telephone number is 1-900-SKANK-HO, so Elin knew Tiger must be doing ho shit with her. Second of all, changing the voicemail isn’t going to throw Elin off. Tiger should have told Jaimee to answer her phone with, “Good morning, this is Zales. How may I help you?” Come on, Tiger!

And like I said before, when it rains whores, it pours whores. Life & Style is adding another name to Tiger’s Harem of Whores. Meet Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas. Some source tells Life & Style, “They’ve hooked up a bunch of times. Tiger told Kalika that married life isn’t all it’s built up to be. He said he wasn’t happy in his marriage or his home life and that there was just so much pressure on him.”

To save ourselves some time in the future, let’s just assume that Tiger has had an affair with every cocktail waitress/nightclub marketing manager/reality skank from here to Laughlin.

Tiger Woods Will Not Face Criminal Charges

Major Cindy Williams (Schlemiel, Schlemazel!!!) of the Florida Highway Patrol glided up to the podium today to announce that Tiger Woods will not face any criminal charges for killing a fire hydrant and running into a tree. However, Tiger will get a $164 ticket for careless driving. Major Cindy also said that there were no claims of Elin Nordegren whooping a trick and they will not seek a warrant to look into Tiger’s medical records. The case is now closed!

I’m sure none of you read any of that, because you were too busy staring into Major Cindy’s luminous eyes. I too am mesmerized by her. I just want to climb over the podium and find a way to sit my nalgas on her hat. That hat was made to hug butt cheeks. It’s calling my ass cheeks’ names (Used & Abused).

And if you some of you still aren’t sure what happened that fateful November night, then let the Chinese explain it to Sims-style. You will understand why Elin went crazy that night. You might want to slap a bitch too if you constantly had a bubble of that whore Rachel Uchitel (holding a vacuum cleaner) following you.

We’ve All Had An Affair With Tiger Woods

When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there’s a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren’t they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.

Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1’s Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!

The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.

If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There’s no texting in cheating!

And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.

Tiger Woods Doesn’t Want To Talk

Cops from the Florida Highway Patrol knocked on Tiger Woods’ door several times this weekend to interview him about murdering a fire hydrant and other things. Tiger’s lawyer shut the door in the faces of the officers like they were Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Apparently, Tiger is keeping his lips sealed. But Tiger did manage to release this statement on his website. Just picture Elin Nordegren standing over his ass with a golf club in her hand and a “BITCH DON’T” look in her eye while he wrote this. It’ll make more sense that way.

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The statement still wasn’t enough for the FHP to drop the subject. TMZ says they are working on getting a search warrant, so that they can peek into Tiger’s medical files to see if the scratches on his face came from the accident or Elin’s CLAW OF REVENGE. If they find out that his injuries came from the hand of Elin, she could be arrested for domestic abuse.

Meanwhile, Tiger’s rumored mistress whore Rachel Uchitel immediately rushed to Los Angeles this weekend to meet with lawyer to the famewhores Gloria Allred. Rachel has already publicly denied the affair, but that isn’t stopping her from milking this cow until it is completely dry. And even then, she will continue to pull on its utters until its organs fall out. Or until she gets her own reality show. Either or.