Tiger Woods Has Refined Tastes

When Kobe Bryant was accused of touching parts not belonging to Vanessa Bryant, he immediately apologized to his wife by making her finger sparkle like she just gave RPattz a prostate exam. It’s the only type of apology a true gold digger will accept. So it’s no surprise that Tiger Woods knows he needs to go diamond mining if he wants his wife Elin Nordegren to forgive his possibly cheating ass.

TMZ says that during a phone conversation with some friend, Tiger said that his wife had “gone ghetto” on him and that he had “to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.‘”

Yes, a kiss begins with Kay. And Tiger DIDN’T GO TO JARED. But everyone knows that Zales is the finest jooree store in the mall, so Tiger made a wise choice. Only the best for Elin.

My cholita cousin agrees. When her man proposed to her with a garnet (GARNET!!!) ring he bought at Walmart, her response was, “Uh. Why didn’t he go to Zales?” Exactly.

Elin REALLY Doesn’t Play

TMZ has an entirely different story on how Tiger Woods’ face ended up looking like a cat tried to dry hump it. This whole story is really close to getting an “Escandalo” tag.

According to a source, Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren had a fight about the rumor that he’s cheating on her ass with that Rachel Uchitel trick. The argument got violent when Elin attacked Tiger’s face, scratching it up. Bitch showed him who the real tiger in the family is.

That was Tiger’s cue to exit stage left, so he hopped in his Escalade to escape the madness. But Elin wasn’t going to let Tiger get away that easy, so she chased him with a golf club and smashed his back windows. Tiger, who is taking painkillers for an injury, got distracted in all the chaos and crashed into the fire hydrant. The two made up the story that his SUV’s windows were busted out, because Elin broke them with the golf club to save Tiger.

TMZ also spoke to Rachel Uchitel who denied that she’s letting the Tiger into her bag. Rachel says that she met him once, but they never fucked around. Rachel added that the National Enquirer’s sources were paid $25,000 each for the fake story.

Um. Of course Rachel is going to pull the denial card out of her snatch. Does she really want to face the wrath of Elin Nordegren? If Elin took a golf club to Tiger, I can imagine what she would do to Rachel. Elin will run that whore over with a golf cart. Seriously, Elin is not going to let some gutter tramp ho eff with her money like that! Rachel better stay away from all golf courses and Ikeas from now on.