Elin Nordegren Is Wearing This

The odometer on Tiger Woods’ peen has passed the six-figure mark and the Department of Health has declared his crotch area a toxic zone, so it’s no surprise that his wife Elin Nordegren is protecting her business with a spiky chastity belt. Or as us modern folk like to call it, a replica of Angelina Jolie’s killer vagina.

A source tells People that Elin isn’t going to risk Tiger crawling into her bed during one of his Ambien hazes, so she’s sleeping in a totally difference house. The source went on to say that Elin is putting on a fake happy face for the sake of her kids, “Elin is going through the motions of family life only to keep the children well grounded. She suffered through the pain of her parents divorcing and doesn’t want to do that to her kids. But she is not happy in the marriage. The trust is gone. she wears a chastity belt made of spikes. They are not living together as a couple. They are putting on a charade for the children.”

You know, I never understood this “faking it” for the kids shit. My father was basically the Tiger Woods of his time and I can’t even imagine what my childhood would’ve been like if my mom didn’t put his ass out on the curb. It probably would’ve make Thanksgiving dinner real interesting:

Dad to Mom: “Can you please pass the sweet potatoes?”
Mom to Dad: “Why? Do you want to stick your dick in that bitch too?”

Nothing says “the spirit of giving” like fucking the sweet potatoes.

Tiger Is Leaving The Building

Business has been slow for the gold digging cocktail waitresses out there, but it might start to pick up now that Tiger Woods‘ cage door is about be opened. So put Gloria Allred on your speed dial and practice shooting an Ambien pill out of your twat!

A source tells Radar that Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren is in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to collect his ass from sex rehab where he’s been for the past few weeks. Elin must have met with her financial advisers and decided that the best decision for her wallet is to stay with Tiger, because she has canceled plans for a divorce. Instead Elin and Tiger are going to go away for a while to work on their marriage.

Le source explained, “Tiger and Elin want to be alone out of public when he leaves the clinic. He should be out by the weekend. They are giving their marriage another try.”

So not only will cocktail waitresses everywhere be popping the Andre this afternoon, but so will Orlando night clubs, the pharmaceutical companies, and the cell phone industry. However, fire hydrants won’t be smiling this weekend.

And today’s Tiger Woods headline that pays is brought to you by UsWeekly:

HO STOP! Balls on your face is ok, but your face on balls is not? If it wasn’t for a pair of golf balls slapping your chin, you wouldn’t be on UsWeekly or anywhere else. And don’t even get me started about the balls attacking your chest. Don’t dis balls!

The Ballad Of The Fire Hydrant

If you’re a parent whose child needs to come up with an act for their school talent show, you don’t need to look any further! THIS IS THEIR ACT! Two sources close to Elin Nordegren tell the Daily Beast what really happened the night Tiger Woods murdered a fire hydrant.

Since we already have a kiddy version of Jersey Shore, we’re also going to need a dramatization of this performed by a bunch of 5-year-olds.

Read the details below and tell the kindergartners that rehearsal starts at NOON:

A few days before Tiger’s SUV accident, The National Enquirer told his people that they were about to break the Rachel Uchitel story. Tiger immediately ran off to Elin to warn her about the story. Tiger dropped a waterfall of denials on Elin’s head. Tiger told Elin that he only met Rachel twice, and never did sex with her. Elin didn’t completely buy Tiger’s denials.

The day before the fire hydrant died, Elin continued to tell Tiger that she didn’t believe him. So Tiger orchestrated a phone call between his wife and Rachel. The two talked for 30-minutes, and Rachel played along by co-signing Tiger’s denials. After that conversation, Elin believed that Tiger did not fuck that woman.

However on Thanksgiving, Elin read specific details in the Enquirer’s story. Elin brought it up with Tiger and the two began to argue. After the argument, Tiger ran into the loving arms of his #1 girlfriend AMBIEN. Tiger gave oral to an Ambien and went to bed. While Tiger was having a white woman orgy in dreamland, Elin searched through his phone. She found a text from Rachel that said: “You are the one I’ve always loved.” Elin wrote Rachel back pretending to be Tiger. Elin wrote shit like, “I miss you” and “When will we see each other again.” At that point, Elin called Rachel and said, “I knew it was you.” Rachel’s response was, “Oh fuck.” Bitch got CAUGHT.

Elin then woke Tiger up to scream at his ass. Tiger was still in an Ambien haze. During all the chaos, Tiger managed to text Rachel telling her that the jig was up and they were going to get a divorce. When Elin saw that he was texting Rachel again, she started punching at him. This was Tiger’s cue to run out of the house. Elin chased him with a golf club and you know what happened next….

CURTAIN DOWN. APPLAUSE! Your child might not win first place in the talent show for The Ballad of the Fire Hydrant, but they will definitely earn a handful of side-eyes from the other parents. And that’s worth so much more! Just use a pool noodle for the golf club, and a Tic-Tac for the Ambien pill.

And in more Tiger news, Elin apparently visited him in sex rehab. Your child can act that out in the sequel.

Elin Is Getting Paid

Carmen Sandiego got the holidays off, because everybody was too busy trying to track down Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Tiger was spotted everywhere from Miami to Africa to NYC to the middle of the ocean. If they wanted to find Tiger so badly, they should’ve just dropped a bag of Ambien along with a cocktail waitress on any random corner. Tiger’s GPS system (aka his peen) would’ve led him to that corner in ten seconds flat.

Anyway, wherever Tiger was, Elin wasn’t! Elin spent her holidays skiing in the French Alps with her twin sister Josefin and friends(pictures of her ass below).

According to the News of the World (via NYDN), Elin told her friends that she will soon be skiing on a mountain of cash, because she plans to collect almost $300 million from Tiger when she divorces him. When Elin’s friends asked what Tiger got her for Christmas, Elin didn’t say “genital warts” (which is probably what she really got), but she did say, “Three hundred million dollars, thank you very much.”

The source went on to say, “She’s 100% determined to split with Tiger. When she boasted of the ‘$300 million Christmas gift’ and then laughed, it was clear to everyone around her that she’s more focused than ever about moving on with her life.”

YES! If this is true, then I’m glad to hear that Elin is finally pushing up her sleeves, grabbing the biggest shovel in the shed and dig dig digging for gold. Actually, she should throw the shovel at Tiger and force him to dig since he’s the one that got them into this mess. Seriously, for every load Tiger dropped in one of his mistresses’ vaginas, he should drop a giant load of cash into Elin’s checking account.

Elin To Hit Tiger With Divorce Papers

A source close to Elin Nordegren tells ABC News that she is definitely going to shower Tiger Woods with divorce papers.

Elin, who hasn’t been wearing her wedding ring lately, has been talking to a divorce lawyer in Los Angeles. The source added that Elin is waiting for the right time to file for divorce, “She’s going to take her sweet time. She wants all the dirty laundry to be out on the table before she signs anything.”

We’re going to need a bigger table. We’re also going to need a bigger file to hold all the documents detailing the every move of Tiger’s peen. Every time another mistress whore comes forward, Tiger’s checking account sheds another tear. Elin really doesn’t play, and you know she’s going to take an iron to his fortune. But in the meantime….

People says that Elin is shitting in Tiger’s Christmas stocking by taking the kids to Sweden for the holidays. Elin was originally going to travel to Sweden in January, but those plans have been moved up. Some source said, “Two stewardesses and one pilot are in Sweden with the plane now getting it ready to come pick them up.”

I hope this doesn’t mean that Elin won’t pull an Angel Bassett in Waiting to Exhale by burning all of Tiger’s shit on the front lawn. I’ve been patiently waiting for that scene to happen.

And The Saga Continues…..

Earlier this morning, an unidentified woman, who is blonde and in her 50s, was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from Tiger Woods’ home in Orlando. The NY Post reports that when the paramedics arrived, the unidentified woman refused medical attention. Eventually, she was rushed to the hospital on “advanced life support.”

After the woman arrived at the hospital, a younger blonde woman who fits Elin Nordegren’s description showed up in an Escalade. Forty five minutes later, Tiger Woods showed up at the hospital.

The woman has since been released from the hospital.

Elin’s mother is currently in town from Sweden, so some are guessing that she’s the unidentified patient. But maybe one of Tiger’s cougars showed up in the middle of the night, and Elin greeted her by hugging her head with a 9-iron. Anything is possible in this never-ending soap opera. Cue dramatic music.

UPDATE: The woman was never placed on life support. A life support unit happened to answer the call first, hence the confusion.