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TBS?!!!?
You won’t find Conan O’Brien nuzzling against Rupert Murdoch’s titties anytime soon, because he’s taking his act to TBS instead of Fox. Starting this Fall, Conan will host a one-hour show at 11pm on TBS. Conan’s show will bump George Lopez to midnight. Hm. This shit seems familiar. Deja chin!
George Lopez had this to say about being bumped by the ginge: “I can’t think of anything better than doing my show with Conan as my lead-in. It’s the beginning of a new era in late-night comedy.“
Okay, I’m glad George is fine with this, because I really don’t want to get dozens of invitations to the “I’m With Lolo” Facebook group. Not ever.
Source: Variety
Coco: The Tour
Conan O’Brien announced on his Twitter this morning that he’s throwing Masturbating Bear and Andy Richter in the trunk of his Taurus and hitting the road this April. Conan, Andy and the old Tonight Show band will play 30-cities across the US and Canada. Conan promises that the show will feature, “a night of music, comedy, hugging and the occasional awkward silence.” Conan also added that it will be completely half-assed.
Now if Conan wants make his show FULL-ASSED (times a thousand), he needs to get the real CoCo to open his show. Just give her a bathroom counter and she can do this for 60-minutes.
That is worth the price of a million tickets. The truth: That is it.
The Villainess Always Wins!
Johnny Weir’s arch rival Evan Lysacek (that’s Licecheck if you wiggle for Weir) snatched the Ice King crown from former reigning Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko last night. American Licecheck took gold, Russian Plushie took silver and the Japanese doll with the exquisite eyebrows known as Daisuke Takahashi took bronze. Johnny Weir took shit (aka 6th place). First, let’s queef about Johnny.
To my amateur eyes, Johnny skated almost perfectly, as though he was gliding along the luscious mane of a silver unicorn. When he flailed his arms, the starts twinkled. When he landed his jumps, Lady CaCa’s ass lips puckered. When the crystal enchantress of the ice twirled, Peta kicked a kitten. It was beautiful….but the judges did not co-sign this. The audience booed at his scores, and just when I was about to BOOOOO my figure skating obsessed friend (bitch even has a Torvill & Dean IM icon) checked me. According to that know-it-all bitch slut ho, even though Johnny has the gracefulness of a swan curtsying before the queen in the middle of a Spaghetti Factory (that shit is nice), his jumps just aren’t as complicated as the other skaters. So the best Johnny could hope for was bronze. Way to break my boner.
As for Licecheck, while watching him masturbating his chest all over the ice, I thought to myself, “Tilda Swinton should wear that snake onesie as a gown to the Oscars. Actually, Evan should wear that onesie as a gown to the Oscars.” And I bet he wears a maxi-pad on his pits, because dude sweats like Kirstie Alley when she hears the words, “We’re out of donuts.” Seriously, I thought the hot grease streaming out of his pores was going to melt the ice and turn that figure skating competition into a synchronized swimming competition. And Evan still would’ve won, because let’s face it, the evil queen is good (that hurts).
Now for Plushenko! Wasn’t that bitch mad?! HA! Plushie was throwing cuntfaces left and right during the medal ceremony. At one point, I thought he was going to leap towards the American flag and tear it to pieces with his bare teeth! Plushie did show his teeth backstage when he punched Evan in the crotch bone with his words. Plushie thinks he should’ve gotten the gold, because he did a quad and Evan did not. Plushie said, “It’s not men’s figure skating. Now, it’s dancing.”
Wow. Why haven’t we been introduced, Plushie? Come sit next to me, I like the way you enunciate your cuntiness.
The Ginge Has Left The Building!
Conan O’Brien gave his final bow as the host of The Tonight Show last night, and he didn’t end with a kick line featuring Masturbating Bear, Triumph, Evil Puppy, Vomiting Kermit, his ’92 Ford Taurus and Pimpbot 500. Instead, Conan put on his seriousface and genuinely thanked his staff, NBC, and all of his fans. Conan also launched into an inspirational speech about how we need to exorcise “cynicism” out of our systems.
Conan’s motivational speech kind of reminded me of this one time I was waiting for my friends outside of a Winchell’s in L.A. when I was a teenager. This sort of hot homeless lady in a knitted poncho strolled up to me and told me (in a Miley Cyrus chewing on sandpaper voice) that I reminded her of her daughter (it happens often). Then she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. At first, I spit out your typical jaded teenage response by saying, “nothing.” Then I took that back and said, “a trophy boyfriend.” This response knocked the fleas out of her hair, because she went on and on about how I could cure cancer if I wanted, or manage a Circuit City (she really said that). After she finished giving me a boost to the stars, she asked me for a cigarette or a dollar. And here’s Conan also ending it on a perfect note by performing Free Bird with Will Ferrell.
Coco And The Peacock Are Fucking Done Professionally
The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O’Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.
According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan’s checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan’s staff will get the rest.
Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan’s manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can’t wait to return to late night:
“Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible.”
Conan’s final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.
And now, every member of the “I’m With Coco” movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:
TRUTH!
(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)
Drinks On Coco!
Hundreds of Cocoholics (or are we calling them Con-heads?) gathered in NYC, Los Angeles and Chicago yesterday to rally for their ginge hero! The Conan O’Brien fans in Los Angeles even stood for hours outside of NBC studios while massive amounts of cold smog rain fell on top of them. When they start coughing up chunks of their lungs in a few days, they should ask Coco to pay their medical bills. And word on the Internet is that he can afford it now!
TMZ is saying that Conan and NBC have reached a settlement agreement. The peacock will put $32.5 million into Conan’s pocket to go away. A source went on to say that NBC will also hack up another $7.5 million for Conan’s staff. As part of the agreement, Conan can’t take his act to another network until September. But if Conan does sign a contract with another network, NBC would only be obligated to pay the difference. So if FOX gives him $25 mill, NBC will only owe him $7.5 mill.
I know, you came to this blog to read the word “fuck” over and over again, not to do math. Basically, every equation ends with the same answer: Conan is still richer than Tiger Woods’ Ambien supplier.
And Conan might have to have sic the soulless ginge on NBC, because the source also claims that once he leaves the network, he can’t take any of his characters with him. That means Triumph and the Masturbating Bear will have to continue to live in the storage room at The Tonight Show. They will be pissed. I hope Jay Leno loves bear jizz and dog poo on his chin.
