Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Viggo Mortensen said he only had sex with this A list mostly movie actress who is an Academy Award winner one time because she was so skinny and bony that it was painful. He compared it to having sex with a brick wall. (CDAN)

Goopy Paltrow? But Viggo Mortensen got it all wrong. That wasn’t one of Goopy’s bones stabbing him. The stick that’s usually stuck up her ass got loose and poked his body while he was hitting it from the back.

This A list singer/musician who has had two different jobs in two different A+ list groups is married and his wife just found out that our A lister has two children with a woman who has been on the road with him several times over the years. (CDAN)

Dave Grohl? And I’m going to choose to believe that somewhere in Courtney Love’s townhouse, she’s hiding the two secret love children she made with Dave Grohl. Those two look like they hate fuck so hard that they break the condom.

This former A list singer is now hanging on any way he can to B- list. The name is the only thing saving him from obscurity. You would think with all the talking about women he does that he would have a girlfriend or date someone. Nope. All guys all the time and is loving his new tour where he finds a new guy a night. (CDAN)

The only name that is squeezing out of your brain is probably John Mayer’s name. But I’m going to pass on the obvious and say this could be Engelbert Humperdinck, because I need to believe that there’s half a sliver of a chance that I’ll live out my wet dream fantasy of getting Humperdinck’d by Humperdinck.

Chances are very high that a brand new pregnancy announcement might turn to tragedy when the expectant father realizes the baby is not his. All he has to do is check the math. (CDAN)

Kate Major? But then again, I wouldn’t call that a “tragedy,” because Michael Lohan not spawning again is a win for humanity.

This multi-hyphenate’s PR team is more entertaining than she is!

They have been working so hard to keep their star from being embarrassed this week that they are just throwing tons of hilarious fictional poop against the wall hoping that something – anything! – will stick.

“They actually broke up earlier this year.” No. They were never really dating at all. That “earlier this year” comment was just an attempt to distance her from her fake boyfriend’s scandal.

“She will not be performing due to production issues.” No. There were no production issues. She just wanted to avoid being seen in public for a while. When the uproar about her cancellation became too loud, those mysterious production issues suddenly evaporated.

“She is dating a minor celebrity. It’s a new relationship.” The only accurate part of that statement is “new.” So new, in fact, that this fake relationship just happened this week!

Here’s what happened: She needed a big distraction from the scandal. They could absolutely not admit that she is involved with her bodyguard, because that would result in its own scandal.

Their solution: a new celebrity love interest!

However, they had four big challenges. 1. They had to find someone really fast. 2. They had to find someone with whom she had some contact in the past year or two (to create a plausible back story). 3. He had to be famous, unattached, scandal-free, and unquestionably straight. 4. He had to be available for the next few months and be willing to latch himself to her in the middle of a scandal.

They went through dozens of candidates in the past few days, but the pickings were very slim. They had to settle, so they got who they got. That’s who she will now be fake dating for the next few months.

So, is everyone talking about her new relationship? Yes, they are! Mission accomplished!

Kudos to her PR team. Seriously. They really earned their money this week… and provided us with great entertainment along the way! (Blind Gossip)

JLo and Maksim Douchekowsky. The end.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Gina Rodriguez, the lady that broke lots of celebrity drama, including making NAUGHTY BUT NICE ROB aware that THEDIRTY.COM broke the shocking story that Jennifer Lopez’s ex-boyfriend had been sexting with a transsexual model, tells us that she is working on another big cheating scandal with a different celebrity and a different transsexual model.

“All I can say is it involves a reality star, a sports star and a transsexual model,” she teased.

Gina, whom the New York Times called Gina Rodriguez, a former porn actress, who helps D-Listers with their image, jokes that pretty soon, she’ll have so many that she will be starting the transsexual celebrity tour. (Naughty But Nice Rob)

The obvious choice is Khlozilla and Lamar Odom, but that would be a level 0 scandal since they’re already done and she’s moved on to being the Fiona to French Montana’s Shrek. I’ll guess it’s either Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari or Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett? If it’s Hank Baskett, I hope that side trick got him to send her some dick pics. Because what’s the point of having an affair with a married semi-celebrity if you’re not going to get him to send you dick pics that you can sell to Media Takeout?

The Tony Awards, which honor Broadway performances, are notoriously “gay friendly.” Men thank their husbands, same-sex couples hold hands, and Neil Patrick Harris tongue-kisses everyone.

One famous and talented actor thought it would be the perfect venue at which to acknowledge that he is gay, and floated the idea to his team. Not surprisingly, they rejected the idea.

He thought about doing it anyhow. He had a line ready which would have made his preferences clear. At the last minute, however, he got cold feet and stuck to the script. (Blind Gossip)

Like Hugh JackMeOff would really slip in a line about loving the peen while his wife is getting hit with side-eye after side-eye in the audience? I’ll say this is about Clint Eastwood, obviously.

Miranda Kerr’s billionaire boyfriend hooked up with this A list Academy Award winning actress last week. The actress is still technically married although no one would confuse her with Miranda. (CDAN)

Gooooooooopy?

This professional athlete has been bragging that his girlfriend is beautiful “both inside and out.”

Now you can get to know her inside and out, too… because she just made a porn film behind his back!

Note that this is not a private film that she can deny or claim to be shocked about. This is a calculated move on her part. Nice timing, too, as his season is about to start. It should bring her lots of publicity… and him and his team lots of embarrassment. Are you ready for some scandal? (Blind Gossip)

I see the use of the word “scandal,” but the day that Kerry Washington does porn is the same day that John Travolta does straight porn with his wig off.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Here are two fun (or not so fun) facts about one of your favorite music artists of all time!

You already know that he is married. However, that commitment apparently ends as soon as he hits the road. He makes sure he has a new hooker arranged for every stop on the tour. They all sign non-disclosures.

You don’t want to stand too close to him. Why not? He stinks! Someone who traveled with him describes it as “The worst body odor in the world.” The weird thing is that he actually prides himself on his own stench! He thinks that other people should want to be near him and smell his pungent scent.

BONUS CLUE: He is not currently on tour, but he was on tour within the past year.

BONUS CLUE: He doesn’t really have sex for hours and hours. But he likes that you think he does. (Blind Gossip)

Sting? If this is true, then I guess he gets prostitution whores for the convenience, because I know many sluts who would get into his stank for free. They wouldn’t even care that he smells like a quesadilla made of dick cheese, armpit grease and butt corn tortillas. They’d close their nostrils with a clothespin and dive into that musk.

From the outside, this reality couple looks like the perfect pair. She is hot, he is successful, and their life includes a beautiful family, a beautiful home, designer duds, and lavish parties.

The inside story is a little different.

She is busy juggling a job, kids, charity work, and the TV show.

He is juggling, too. He’s juggling the balls of several handsome young boy toys!

Yes, his wife knows. They have an arrangement. He can have as many boy toys as he wants… as long as she can spend as much money as she wants. She isn’t buying a new house… but she is adding to her designer shoe collection. (All About The Tea via Blind Gossip)

Lisa Vanderpump’s out, because her kids aren’t kids anymore. Giuliana Rancic is out, because unless you’re into insects, I don’t think anyone would describe her as “hot.” Tori Spelling’s out, because the only thing Dean’s successful at is being a professional fuck up. It could be Kyle Richards and Mauricio, but I’m going to guess Mama June and Sugar Bear? I mean, Sugar Bear is the perfect gay sugar daddy nickname.

This B list mostly movie actress had a fight at lunch the other day with her almost A list actor husband because she wants to do Playboy and he is saying no. (CDAN)

Thor and his wife Elsa Pataky? And really, I’d rather see Thor’s tits in Playboy than hers.

For years I’ve been saying that she is such a bitch. Like, terrifying. And humourless, unless you’re famous. But on a red carpet? If she’s sneering at you? There’s venom. Behind that cool, tall beauty, she’s vicious.

Now, maybe I understand why.

Turns out she likes her cocaine. She’s much smarter about it than, say, people who end up under LA bridges with sketchy explanations, or child stars who rage down the Pacific Coast Highway chasing down their enemies. How does she keep winning awards and protecting her reputation? How has she kept the shit off of her? Because beyond her love life, there has never, ever been any gossip about her indulgences, beyond the occasional fruit, especially now that she has someone else to look after.

One explanation (on top of her discretion): Customer Loyalty. Same dealer for a decade. He supplies only to very exclusive clientele and is selective about his regular customers. She’s a regular customer. It’s more than occasional bump. Never mind the boyfriend, that might be her most steady relationship. (Lainey Gossip)

Charlize Theron? And just like that, her choices in dudes suddenly makes crystal clear sense. You’d have to be coked up to get on Sean Penn’s snausage.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

At an event the other night, this spy was part of a group of six that included this A list mostly movie actor and his A list mostly movie actress girlfriend. The spy was appalled at the way the actor treated the actress. When he was talking if she tried to interrupt or say something he would tell her to be quiet because he was talking. When she didn’t want to go outside so he could smoke he told her that she had to and she went. It was just one thing after another all night and the actress seemed to be oblivious to the fact that she was being treated like crap. (CDAN)

Charlize Theron and Sean Penn? If this is true, then a) I’d like to see Sean Penn pull that shit around Charlize Theron’s mom and; b) What is Charlize Theron doing? Charlize can get any dick she wants and she’s screwing with that rage-filled, left-on-the-grill-too-long hot dog? Does Sean’s dick cum ultra pure cocaine and can it tell you the exact name and artist of the song you can’t remember if you sang it a couple of lyrics? Because damn.

This very famous actor’s sexuality has always been the subject of speculation. Well, we have a story today that will provide some insight into his real history!

Our actor has dozens of films under his belt, and might currently be described as an action star. At the time these events happened, he was dating an actress who would later become the star of a very successful TV series. The two – who are about the same age – dated throughout their teens and twenties when they were both starting out in Hollywood.

He was heavily into drinking and drugs back then, and used to fool around on this actress girlfriend… with both women and men. A lot of them!

One of the things that his hookups commented on was that he used to always fret about getting AIDS because he was having unprotected sex with men. Then he would get drunk and high again and throw precaution to the wind and have more unprotected sex with more men. During those years, he also used to worry aloud that he was really gay but that he had to have a girlfriend because that’s what other people expected of him.

The actor and actress were together for many years, but they eventually broke up and moved on. She married another famous actor. They have children together and live in a large city.

Our actor is also a family man now (married with child/ren), and seems to have totally put his former life far behind him. However, it is interesting to note that while he sometimes talks about his history of substance abuse, he still avoids questions about his sexuality. We wonder if his wife has ever detected even a hint of his very prolific gay history during the course of their relationship. (Blind Gossip)

Robert Downey Jr. and Sarah Jessica Parker? Less Than Zero was REAL (except for that dying in a car in the desert part).

This B- list reality star from a hit cable reality show on a channel that usually shows married women has been admitted to the hospital several times over the past few months for alcohol poisoning. She needs rehab badly but won’t go for fear of missing out on filming or appearances. (CDAN)

Someone on Bravo… Someone on Bravo… Zoila, get your shit together! No, this is probably Brandi Glanville.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

He took off for the desert recently. To relax. And party. Without his girl. And gets high and hooks up with random men online (he likes them super pretty and super jacked), inviting them to his hotel room for a night of drugs and sex.

Two problems here. First, he’s a recovering addict and second, when he goes on these tears, he doesn’t use condoms. It’s the kind of reckless behaviour he’s been able to control through much of his success and for many years now. Curiously though, the last time this happened it was also during one of his transformations. Back then though, there was no explosion of social media and everyone taking pictures. Considering that he’s been hooking up with dudes who are on the young side (but totally legal), he’s risking being exposed by someone who’s out to show off and exploit. (Lainey Gossip)

So when I did a quick Google search for famous recovering addicts, I got this: Robert Downey Jr., Alec Baldwin Robin Williams, B. Coop, Tracy Morgan, Steven Tyler, Eminem, Ben Affleck and Michael J. Fox. I don’t think it’s RDJ or Tracy Morgan or Steven Tyler or Eminem or Michael J. Fox. It can’t be Alec Baldwin, because I don’t think he’s ever had a “transformation” unless you count him transforming from an asshole into a bigger asshole. I don’t think it’s Robin Williams, because there’s been no report of young, hot buff dudes going to the ER after a giant ball of fur got lodged in their throats and assholes. That leaves Ben Affleck and B. Coop? Ben Affleck is way too busy getting kicked out of casinos to bareback a Grindr hookup. So I’ll say B. Coop? Or Alec Baldwin. It’s totally Alec Baldwin.

Australian stunner Sophie Monk says she’s “saved two celebrities” in calling an ambulance after drugs got the best of them.

The 34-year-old singer-actress, speaking with Australia’s 2Day FM, recanted the surreal life experience, herself an international star with access to ultra-exclusive shindigs of unparalleled revelry. (She did not, understandably, name the famous faces she saved.)

“I was walking through this party and they said, ‘Meet this celebrity’,” the beauty recalled to the Show and Tell’s Merrick Watts and Jules Lund. “All of a sudden I was like, ‘She’s had too much’, and she starts convulsing like crazy. All her best friends and everyone left the party. I mean, everyone, within five minutes, left that party thinking they were going to get in trouble.

“They stripped her off naked, ran a shower, left her in it and left her in the bathroom naked and everyone left.”

“I said, ‘I’m not leaving,” the London-born beauty said. “I found a dressing gown in a closet, covered her, called the ambulance and there was foam coming from her mouth. They had to strap her down — she would have died easy.”

As the saying goes, however, no good deed goes unpunished — a rule that, apparently, applies tenfold in Tinseltown.

“The next day, [the overdosed celebrity] goes, ‘Who was that bitch that called [the ambulance]?’ because she couldn’t remember anything,” Monk said, adding that a previous incident occurred on a separate occasion. (Radar via Blind Gossip)

That “bitch that called the ambulance” line is typical LiLo, so I’ll guess LiLo?

One actor you won’t be seeing contributing to GLAAD anytime soon is this almost A+ list mostly movie actor. Reporters know not to ask any questions about his stance on homosexuality because he won’t answer the question and will walk out of the interview. He is a big enough star where he gets to decide who interviews him and those people know the rules. He dumped several women before he met his wife because he heard they had threesomes which included other women. He doesn’t do that. There are reports that he used to pick fights in bars with guys he suspected of being gay and then beat them. he has literally no tolerance for anyone in his life who might be gay. You will never see him knowingly work with anyone who is gay. He is perhaps the most homophobic person in Hollywood which is saying something because he owes his career to some very gay people and fans who gave him his big break.(CDAN)

That ass wart Marky Mark? Hmm, I guess nobody told him that Optimum Prime loves himself some Transformers dick.

Blind Item: I Guess, You Guess

At The Cut, a woman who worked as a personal assistant to a Hollywood actress type wrote about the entire nightmare of an experience and says that by the end of it she was an empty shell of herself since her soul seeped out of her body. So basically, she felt like you after any given work day. The live-in assistant wouldn’t give up her name and wouldn’t name the mess she worked for. The assistant thought she was going to be a production assistant for the celebrity, but quickly learned she was going to be a beck-and-call bitch.

Most of the shit that the celebrity made her do seems like normal PA crap to me: have Starbucks on her bedside table every morning, watch the news at 5am so she could tell the famous ho what’s going on in the world, check the book reviews, buy the best-reviewed books at Barnes & Nobles, get her food, print out her schedule, read scripts with her, blah blah blah. It’s not like she was changing her tampons for her or anything. The assistant lived with her, so she really didn’t have any time to herself and she’d stay at the actress’ nanny’s apartment when she wanted to get away. But the crazy bitch of an actress did make her do some fucked-up shit. The actress made the assistant break up with her boyfriend, because she didn’t want to do it and she snuck weed into her assistant’s travel bag. The assistant writes that she used to pick up the actress’ “herbs” and she didn’t find out until later she was actually picking up her good shit. She writes this about the time she was a drug mule and didn’t know it.

Once when we went to a film festival, I flew out early so I could lay out the clothes she would wear. When she got in, she was like, “Did you get my stuff?” What stuff? “Oh, I put some stuff in your bag.” Oh my God, I went on a fucking plane carrying drugs for you? I could have gotten arrested! You could have at least told me so I knew what I was doing, and put it in the bag that’s not checked! What are you doing to me? At least ask and say, “Hey, do you mind carrying for me?” Not that I would have said no, but at least I could have put it in a concealed location.

The assistant finally quit that bitch, because the actress promised to take her to some international film festival. The actress later took back the invitation, because she wanted to go with her boyfriend instead. I know, unforgivable right (served on a bed of lukewarm sarcasm).

I know you’re all going to guess BETTY WHITE!!!, but here’s some clues anyway:

– The actress is a single mom.

– The actress loves the good shit.

– The dude that the assistant had to break up with for the actress is a “very prominent actor” that was in a movie with the actress.

– One time the assistant was with her family and the actress called her up and made her leave them. The actress wanted the assistant to drive her to therapy. Therapy turned out to be a palm reader that the actress got a coupon for in a gift bag at an awards show.

– The actress took meds for an STD. The assistant later called the ex-boyfriend to tell him the actress has an STD.

And that’s that!

The assistant doesn’t say when all this shit went down, so I don’t know if the actress is still a single mom. Here’s a not-totally complete list of actresses who were single moms at one point: Kate Hudson, Minnie Driver, Sandra Bullock, January Jones, Charlize Theron, Michelle Williams, Sofia Vergara, Denise Richards, Jenny McCarthy, Mary-Louise Parker and Sharon Stone. I don’t think it’s January Jones, because she’s not going to any international film festivals and she gets high from snorting the fears of others around her, not from smoking the good shit.

I’ll guess Kate Hudson? But really, it’s probably Betty White.