Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Viggo Mortensen said he only had sex with this A list mostly movie actress who is an Academy Award winner one time because she was so skinny and bony that it was painful. He compared it to having sex with a brick wall. (CDAN)

Goopy Paltrow? But Viggo Mortensen got it all wrong. That wasn’t one of Goopy’s bones stabbing him. The stick that’s usually stuck up her ass got loose and poked his body while he was hitting it from the back.

This A list singer/musician who has had two different jobs in two different A+ list groups is married and his wife just found out that our A lister has two children with a woman who has been on the road with him several times over the years. (CDAN)

Dave Grohl? And I’m going to choose to believe that somewhere in Courtney Love’s townhouse, she’s hiding the two secret love children she made with Dave Grohl. Those two look like they hate fuck so hard that they break the condom.

This former A list singer is now hanging on any way he can to B- list. The name is the only thing saving him from obscurity. You would think with all the talking about women he does that he would have a girlfriend or date someone. Nope. All guys all the time and is loving his new tour where he finds a new guy a night. (CDAN)

The only name that is squeezing out of your brain is probably John Mayer’s name. But I’m going to pass on the obvious and say this could be Engelbert Humperdinck, because I need to believe that there’s half a sliver of a chance that I’ll live out my wet dream fantasy of getting Humperdinck’d by Humperdinck.

Chances are very high that a brand new pregnancy announcement might turn to tragedy when the expectant father realizes the baby is not his. All he has to do is check the math. (CDAN)

Kate Major? But then again, I wouldn’t call that a “tragedy,” because Michael Lohan not spawning again is a win for humanity.

This multi-hyphenate’s PR team is more entertaining than she is!

They have been working so hard to keep their star from being embarrassed this week that they are just throwing tons of hilarious fictional poop against the wall hoping that something – anything! – will stick.

“They actually broke up earlier this year.” No. They were never really dating at all. That “earlier this year” comment was just an attempt to distance her from her fake boyfriend’s scandal.

“She will not be performing due to production issues.” No. There were no production issues. She just wanted to avoid being seen in public for a while. When the uproar about her cancellation became too loud, those mysterious production issues suddenly evaporated.

“She is dating a minor celebrity. It’s a new relationship.” The only accurate part of that statement is “new.” So new, in fact, that this fake relationship just happened this week!

Here’s what happened: She needed a big distraction from the scandal. They could absolutely not admit that she is involved with her bodyguard, because that would result in its own scandal.

Their solution: a new celebrity love interest!

However, they had four big challenges. 1. They had to find someone really fast. 2. They had to find someone with whom she had some contact in the past year or two (to create a plausible back story). 3. He had to be famous, unattached, scandal-free, and unquestionably straight. 4. He had to be available for the next few months and be willing to latch himself to her in the middle of a scandal.

They went through dozens of candidates in the past few days, but the pickings were very slim. They had to settle, so they got who they got. That’s who she will now be fake dating for the next few months.

So, is everyone talking about her new relationship? Yes, they are! Mission accomplished!

Kudos to her PR team. Seriously. They really earned their money this week… and provided us with great entertainment along the way! (Blind Gossip)

JLo and Maksim Douchekowsky. The end.