Night Crumbs
After Matthew Perry became the internet’s public enemy #1 for randomly wishing death upon international treasure Keanu Reeves of all people, he mouth-farted up an empty apology. Matthew got shit for a part in his new memoir where he wonders why original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die too soon, but “Keanu Reeves still walks among us.” Matthew has an explanation, and it’s not, “Keanu once Matrix-kicked my kitten right before fucking my girlfriend.” Matthew claims that he’s a big fan of Keanu’s and mistakenly chose a random name to use as an example when he “should have used my own name instead.” Okay, I can instantly cough up a dozen names that Matthew could’ve used for an example, and none would be Keanu’s name. But whatever, Chandler, tell it to the bouncer at the pearly gates after they let you know that you’re banned from Heaven for daring to diss Keanu Reeves! – People
Zawe Ashton reportedly gave birth to her and Tom Hiddleston’s first baby, so he may officially be a Hiddlesdaddy now. There are no details beyond that, but I’m guessing that whatever they named their kid, the child’s initials are TS. That way, Tom doesn’t have to throw out his “I Heart TS” tankie – Celebitchy
The Selenators and The Britney Army can put down their shanks for now, because Britney Spears claims she wasn’t trying to slam her wedding guest Selena Gomez – Just Jared
Speaking of crazed fandoms, the Harries must have just unlocked a new fetish since Harry Styles’ music video for Music For A Sushi Restaurant stars him as a Castaway-looking squid man – SOW
Meanwhile, at the Hollywood premiere of Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, THEE Angela Bassett served “Goddess of the Coffee Filters” glamour while Michael B. Jordan won a gold medal in Fighting The Hot by doing himself up like a ridiculous 70s banana – Lainey Gossip
From The Department Of Dreams Do Come True: a Kentucky man who has been playing dead on TikTok in hopes of landing the role of a corpse in a TV show or movie has landed the highly important role of a dead dude in an episode of CSI: Vegas. Dude’s been preparing for this role for so long that he better get an Emmy nomination! Hey, if Patricia Heaton and Ray Romano can win Emmys for playing one-note characters on Everybody Loves Raymond, this dude can win an Emmy for playing a one-note character (the one-note being DEAD) – Pajiba
FYI: Hugh Jackman says he once gave Matt Damon a lap dance – HuffPo
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