Open Post: Hosted By Stephen King’s Horrifying Microwaved Salmon Recipe

April 22, 2022 / Posted by:

Unlike his fish, Stephen King is getting roasted on Twitter for his dinner suggestion that you take “a nice salmon filet,” wrap in it a damp paper towel and microwave it for 3 minutes. Look, Stephen has written some pretty fucked up shit over the course of his career, but I would rather get in a time machine and go back to 1984 and read Pet Semetary by the tiny sliver of moonlight that crept into my cabin at summer camp again, than ever have to imagine what Stephen’s house smells like. But it’s too late for all that. Add Stephen’s imagined microwaved salmon funk to the image of Gage’s corpse in his little burial suit to the list of things I’ll never forgive him for.

Somehow, Stephen’s salmon recipe is even worse than Paula Patton’s recipe for raw fried chicken. At least she (eventually) seasoned that shit!

I’d rather eat my own foot like the dude in Survivor Type. Leave it to Stephen King to rewrite the classic cookbook Microwave For One as a horror novel. Stephen is from Maine and even for someone who comes from a place where seafood and hot dogs go together like wine and cheese, this is sinister and dark-sided. Patricia Arquette even piped in to let Stephen know that his salmon is a recipe for disaster.

Don’t give him any ideas, Patty! Watch, his next novel is going to feature an evil woman who works at a nursing home that secretly microwaves the residents’ special low-sodium diets covered with paper towels laced with LSD so she can gaslight them into leaving her their inheritances. Anyone who has ever worked in an office environment knows that fish in the microwave is a big no-no. But Chef José Andrés, as horrified as he was, does admit that it can be done.

Chef Andres is on the ground in Ukraine right now (eat your heart out Sean Penn. Try microwaving it!) moving heaven and earth to feed people, yet he still took the time to prevent further atrocities from taking place right here at home. That’s a true hero right there.


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