Night Crumbs
Comedian Ali Wong has split from her husband of 8 years Justin Hakuta (the Harvard Business School graduate husband she jokes in her stand-up about trapping and also cheating on). A source says it’s amicable and they will “lovingly co-parent” their two children. In Ali’s last Netflix special, Don Wong, she joked about how she wanted to be a kept wife but played herself by getting successful and now she’s the breadwinner in the family. So prepare for her to cry about having to pay spousal support in her next special: ALImony – People
“SHOW ME NO JAIL TIIIIMMMMME” is definitely what predatory menace Cuba Gooding, Jr. shouted when he took a no-jail plea deal in his sexual abuse case and pleaded guilty to one count of forcible touching – Deadline
I totally forgot about the early-aughts rumor that Scarlett Johansson and Benecio Del Toro fucked in an elevator at Chateau Marmont, but it’s all coming back to me now thanks to ScarJo bringing it up in the name of promoting some shit. But honestly, talking about the rumor that she and Benicio Del Toro filled an elevator with musty fuck fumes is better than talking about the rumor that she got with Justin Timberlake – Celebitchy
The couple who claim they were among the victims of Ezra Miller’s terror on Hawaii has dropped the restraining order they took out on Ezra. Ezra is currently starring in Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, and his other big movie The Flash comes out next year, so why do I have a feeling that a magical wizard from the PR damage control department at Warner Bros. appeared on that couple’s doorstep with a giant check and a wink that said, “You know what to do next.” – Just Jared
Speaking of The Secrets of Dumbledore (not to be confused with my memoirs The Secrets of a Dumbwhore), it will be 100% less gayer when it shows in China, unsurprisingly – Towleroad
Kacey Musgraves shows off her house to Architectural Digest and it’s very “QUICK! Buy a bunch of shit from CB2 and Anthropologie for my house because Architectural Digest is coming!” – Egotastic!
Amy Schumer wants you to know that she didn’t buy a house in Harry and Meghan country and also wasn’t really planning on telling that Alec Baldwin joke at the Oscars – Lainey Gossip
Oscar, the dog who was dumped off at a shelter by some idiotic pieces of demonic trash for being “gay,” has won the title of March’s Hot Slut of the Month thanks to getting 49% of the votes! And in other Hot Slut of the Month news, February’s winning HSOTM Luke, the pooch who was stood up at his own Valentine’s Day-themed adoption party, has found a home. FINALLY, some good news around here!
Pic: Milla Cochran/startraksphoto.com