Open Post: Hosted By The Louisiana Dumpster Pizza Blob That Will Eventually Destroy Us All

Last week Domino’s Pizza employees in Covington, Louisiana were tasked with prepping the store for the arrival of Hurricane Ida. So they nailed the pizzas to the counter (false), covered the windows in Domino’s boxes (also false), and threw out a large mass of pizza dough before it could rot in the fridge (TRUE). And after days of sitting in 90° weather directly in the unforgiving Lousiana sun, the pizza dough began to expand. To grow. To… conquer. Civilian bartender Nicole Amstutz spotted the doughy blob, took a picture, and posted it to Facebook. There’s no doubt that future historians will appreciate photographic evidence of Pizza Blob’s birth. A couple of days later Nicole returned and saw that the dough had managed to escape its dumpster confines and begun to travel on land. Today the Domino’s parking lot? Tomorrow… the world.

Here’s Nicole’s Facebook post where she reported that the dough on the ground is “squishy”:

The Domino’s Pizza general manager did not respond to interview requests about the doughy phenomenon. In fact, friends and family haven’t seen the manager in days (another falsehood). Hmmm… sounds like Pizza Blob has devoured its first victim. You know what comes next:

Somebody resurrect Steve McQueen so he can take care of this!

I have no doubt that the residents of Covington will be Pizza Blob’s first victims and it’ll move on from there. Soon it’ll have the entire U.S. of A. in its doughy grasp. There is no escape. There is no hope. There is only Pizza Blob.

Pics: Facebook