Well, At Least We Got A Chorus Of Dancing Jockstrap Faces

February 8, 2021 / Posted by:

“Can’t Feel My Face” isn’t only just one of The Weeknd’s cokey anthems, it was also what some people said last night after their face and everything else went numb and fell asleep over the Super Bowl LV Halftime Show. It was presented by Pepsi (and yes, the entire internet made the same “sponsored by Pepsi but all the songs about coke” joke), but it really should’ve been presented by Vivarin and Dramamine, because when The Weeknd (government name: Abel Tesfaye) wasn’t crooning us into an open-eyed coma, he was giving us the dizzies! Oh, it also should’ve been sponsored by Aspirin because many oldies probably chewed on several Aspirin pills to avoid having a heart attack over the misspelling of “Weekend“!!!

The NFL doesn’t pay Halftime Show performers because performers usually make a shit load in album sales after the show. In fact, The Weeknd told Billboard that he put $7 million of his own money into his Halftime Show. Bitch, where?! The set looked like it was rented from a Civic Light Opera production of City of Angels (a really high budget CLO production of City of Angels, okay?), those red blazers were bought from a Chess King clearance sale in the 80s, and there were no costume changes (!!!!!). And even though The Weeknd sang live, the sound quality was a mess. Maybe The Weeknd decided to go full 80s by making it sound like he was singing into a half-broken Fisher Price tape recorder.

Going into the Halftime Show, The Weeknd said that his performance was going to be guest-free and it was only going to be him yodeling out his hits including Starboy, The Hills, and Blinding Lights. He didn’t lie. There were no special guests. Since The Weeknd said at a Super Bowl press conference that one of his favorite Halftime Shows is Diana Ross’ from 1996, I was hoping that Ms. Ross was going to fly in on the helicopter she exited her Halftime Show in, and turn that shit out. That didn’t happen. But The Weeknd did include his 2011 song House of Balloons/Glass Table Girls, which samples Happy House from Siouxsie and the Banshees. So that was the closest we’ll ever get to Siouxsie Sioux doing a Halftime Show.

In case you missed it, here’s The Weeknd giving us a David Lynch-directed reboot of Thriller with a bunch of dancers who looked like the boy from Us grew up and became a Reno lounge singer:

And of course, The Weeknd’s Halftime Show brought out the memes, which were mostly about the dizzy-inducing part in the show where he was lost in the lower intestines of Las Vegas:

With all that being said, I appreciate the jockstrap-looking bandage faces and at least many of us could sit back after the show and say, “Well, still a trillion times better than Beige 5.”

Pic: YouTube

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