Gywneth Paltrow Is Shilling Injectables Now
The last time Gwyneth Paltrow convinced women to shove shit into their bodies, sales of Monistat 5 skyrocketed. Now, after giving the Big Yeast industry a boost, Gwyneth is getting into the injectables business. In a recent interview/infoview with Glamour, Gwyneth opened up about being the new face of Xeomin, a prescription “antiwrinkle injection targeting frown lines” whose major selling point seems to be that it’s “uniquely pure” and “super clean” when we know damn well it’s the same injectable botulinum toxin you can find in just about any cow pie or bulging can like all the rest. Between hawking the jade vagina egg and this boutique Botox bullshit, Gwyneth is unchecked bacteria’s biggest booster!
Here’s what Gwyneth had to say to Glamour:
Glamour: For a long time it was considered taboo to get injectables, let alone be a spokesperson for them. What made you decide to be the face of Xeomin?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well first of all, it’s a uniquely pure product, so it’s better for the body. I had tried a different antiwrinkle injection when I was 40 and had a really scary result, so I was like, I’m not going to [try that again]. But my friend who’s a plastic surgeon talked me into just having a tiny drop of Xeomin here [touches the spot between her eyes]. He was like, “This is a purified formula, and it’s going to be a very natural result.”
I don’t know if the good folks at Xeomin have truly revolutionized the cosmetic use of neurotoxins, but they’ve done one thing nobody else has managed to do which is put a warning label on Gwyneth Paltrow.
Additional symptoms may include eye-rolling, barely concealed irritation, incredulity, weary sighs, and ironically, frown lines. But just because Gwyeth’s now in the pockets of Big Pharma, doesn’t mean she’s not the same goofy, relatable BFF-type she was before. She may live in a mansion and get checks for doing the absolute least, but she too knows the importance of self-care in #theseuncertaintimes
How have you been practicing self-care doing the pandemic? Has it changed your beauty routine at all?
I mean, this is probably the first time I’ve worn makeup in months and months and months. I think self-care during the pandemic was really kind of just being around my kids and my husband, cooking, and doing more masks. Because you’re home sitting around, doing masks for your hair, and just kind of back to basics—meditating, walking, that kind of thing.
Was? WAS!? The pandemic still happening last time I checked, which I do obsessively about every 5 seconds, night and day, until all my hair falls out from stress. How am I gonna look trying to slap a hair mask on my bald-ass head, Gwyneth?!
Pic: Instagram