Foodgod Was Reportedly Robbed

August 3, 2020 / Posted by:

We all know that physical distancing and staying your ass at home saves lives, but it can also save you the humiliation of having your very expensive watch snatched off you in front of your mom. Foodgod, also known as this sloppy douchebag again?, learned this lesson the hard way. According to TMZ, the Kardashian sycophant formerly known as Jonathan Cheban was robbed at gunpoint last night in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey after going to the mall with his mom. I wouldn’t wish getting held up at gunpoint on anyone, it’s happened to me, it’s terrifying. But well, I guess this is the sort of thing that can happen when you flaunt your fancy watches on Instagram.

Foodgod, whose single most significant contribution to society has been… … … …. inspiring creative uses for the ellipses, says he was robbed as he was hanging out with his mom and a friend in the friend’s driveway. His BFF Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint of millions in jewelry in Paris, so its fitting that this dangling chad she left us with would be robbed of his $250,000 watch in a driveway in New Jersey. According to TMZ:

We’re told Jon and his ma were at a mall earlier in the day, and afterward … rolled up to his pal’s place.

We’re told all three of them were out front in the driveway, when a young man walked up and asked for the time. Our sources say Jonathan felt something was off and told everyone to head inside, but by then … we’re told the dude pulled out a gun and was on them.

Cheban told cops the perp moved the group between two cars, to trap them … and then pointed the gun right at Jonathan’s mother’s head. We’re told Jonathan told the guy to take anything he wanted and the guy ended up taking Jon’s Richard Mille watch, worth about $250k.

BTW, we’re also told a second gunman was on the scene — a larger man who was standing watch. Eventually, neighbors heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on — which scared off the guys, whom we’re told made off together on foot.

This could have gone sideways and I’m glad nobody was hurt, but also, this is a golden era for not getting jacked, and Foodgod failed miserably. First of all, TMZ reports that neither suspect was wearing a mask. I’m not letting some unmasked mouth breather get within half a mile of my person, let alone close enough to inquire about the time. By the time an unmasked hooligan, be it a jogger, dog walker, cherubic toddler, or hunched over granny, gets close enough to determine I’m not a nebulous blog, I’m crossing the street. Secondly, THE MALL?!?!?! He should have just sat there and ate his … …. … whatever we’re calling that monstrosity in his mouth?

Pic: Instagram

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