When one thinks of Britney Spears they no longer envision the gyrating, snake producing sex kitten from days of yore. Now it’s more like “Awww, Britney.” And the pity gazes will continue, especially after her son Jayden Federline released a scathing tell all book in the form of an Instagram Live video where he bashed his grandfather Jamie Spears, gave zero fucks about his mother’s happiness, and reminded everyone that his father Kevin Federline is the first and only coming of Christ. And apparently, Britney still hasn’t seen the video.
Hopefully the reason Britney missed her son’s debut as the new Christina Crawford is because she was taking more bikini pics for Instagram, because the world needs more of that and less of the family in-fighting. But whatever the case, while Jayden was yakking about everything outsiders have no business knowing Britney missed the entire thing. And I’m not sure what kind of zoo he’s running where kids roam wild and do whatever the hell they want, but New Jesus Federline needs to bless his son with some alone time to pray in his room without access to the outside world for a bit. And that’s exactly what’s happening now, according to People. After Jayden’s Wendy Williams-esque Hot Topics session with a bunch of nosy Britney fans Kevin is performing the miracle that this child needs, and it’s called Parenting.
“This is what happens when a 13-year-old acts like they’re 13 years old. Kevin is handling the situation as you would expect from any responsible parent,” Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, told multiple outlets Wednesday.
Kevin “handling” the situation sounds like he disconnected the WiFi for about ten seconds, told Jayden what he did was “Not Cool” then turned the WiFi back on to watch old clips of himself dancing back in the early aughts. That seems like the kinds of lessons and blessings New Jesus would bestow upon the masses. And this just goes to show that although Britney and Kevin split their custody 30/70 she may need to send spies over to Kevin’s house just to make sure her kids are acting right. Because if Jayden pulls this mess again, I can see Britney busting through his bedroom window and grabbing his phone before asking him, “Don’t you know that you’re toxic?!”