So this is strange because of literally everything about it except for one part: which is Justin Bieber challenging someone to a fight. Because of course Justin Bieber is that person who goes around yelling, “Fight me!” to people. Especially to people who would never in a billion years actually do it. Which brings us to the news that Justin has challenged Tom Cruise to a battle royale in the octagon. It’s the Hillsong vs. Scientology showdown that nobody asked for.
It started last night when, I guess after coming home from a late-night church service, Justin was hyped the fuck up. He was so roided out on Mountain Dew and Cap’n Crunch that he just needed to let out some energy. And he thought the best way to do that was to get out there and start a fight! 25-year-old Justin tweeted this at 56-year-old Tom Cruise:
I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite ?
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) June 10, 2019
The only thing I know about UFC is that sweaty shirtless buff guys dry hump on each other while fighting, so I had to look up who Dana White is and he’s President of the UFC, I guess. So Justin is trying to seriously make this happen? I guess he really wants to fight Tom Cruise who has starred in like 100 Mission Impossible movies and did his own stunts for them which broke his bones and healed them back stronger. Like I guess because Tom and Justin are similar heights, Justin thinks it’s a match? And because Tom is 56 and Justin is 25 he has the youth advantage? But Justin is wrong. Tom would wipe the floor with Justin. He would need more than our prayers after a night in the ring with Tom. You think Tom doesn’t know how to manhandle a twink greased up and locked in a chainlink fence? Honey, he calls that Tuesday.
The internet was quick to hop onto this nonsense, even UFC Canada and Conor McGregor got in on the action:
— UFC Canada (@UFC_CA) June 10, 2019
— ??????? ???????☻ (@Damaris_Mahone) June 10, 2019
Tom Cruise’s agent: Hey Tom, Justin Bieber just challenged you to a fight
— Krojacica Sudbine ⍟ ⧗ ➳ (@MonaLisa_1797) June 10, 2019
Tom Cruise is 56
Justin Bieber is 25
This is the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
It worked perfectly to generate attention for both Bieber and Cruise
Good PR company, spot on https://t.co/FvjtPx5Zs6
— Tim Pool (@Timcast) June 10, 2019
Tale of the Tape: "Cruisin’ For A Bruisin'"
Justin Bieber Tom Cruise
25 Age 56
5'9" Height 5'7"
68" Est. Reach 65"
$265M Net Worth $570M https://t.co/u0t2v46yAf
— Jake Marsh (@PMTsportsbiz) June 10, 2019
If Tom Cruise is man enough to accept this challenge,
McGregor Sports and Entertainment will host the bout.
Does Cruise have the sprouts to fight, like he does in the movies?
Stay tuned to find out! https://t.co/TxsH9KUyFg
— Conor McGregor (@TheNotoriousMMA) June 10, 2019
If Tom Cruise is “man enough” to fight a Canadian man-boy Pop lip-syncer? Sis if he don’t sing live how he gonna fight live? And this advice is from a guy who literally fought a bus and a cellphone, so like: maybe don’t take “how to be a man” tips from Conor.
I actually do hope this fight happens. It will be really amazing to see these two knock at each other playfully until Justin gets hit a little too hard has a meltdown and starts flailing away red-faced and hissy-fitted. But I have one question: will they just raise the whole platform that they fight on to make them both look taller, or will there be some kind of platform shoe allowed to be worn this time?