Chicago PD Held A Press Conference About Jussie Smollett’s Arrest

February 21, 2019 / Posted by:

During his first public appearance after he claimed he was attacked by racist, homophobic, MAGA-loving thugs, Jussie Smollett took to the stage and declared himself “the Gay Tupac”. Well, according to this morning’s press conference held by Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson, it would have been more accurate to call himself the “black Keyser Söze” (the “gay Keyser Söze” was, of course, already taken by Kevin Spacey, and Jussie’s career is probably about to have similar trajectory).

As you undoubtedly know by now, Jussie turned himself into police custody this morning and has been charged with felony disorderly conduct which is fancy talk for filing a false police report.

Jussie could face up to 3 years in prison, and the police say he did it all because he wanted a salary increase for Empire. I know what you’re thinking, “surely, there must be easier ways”. Well, you’re wrong. Staging a hate crime must be the only way. Otherwise, none of this makes any sense at all.

Too bad for Jussie that the Chicago PD dropped the mug that read “It was me all along! XOXO Jussie Smollett” on the bottom before he got a chance to limp away into the sunset. CPD says that Jussie orchestrated the, I don’t know what we’re calling it now, the scene study? CPD says that Jussie orchestrated the scene study, beginning by sending himself that letter with the MAGA return address. According to CNN:

Chicago police superintendent Eddie Johnson said “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett staged the alleged attack because he was “dissatisfied with his salary.”

Smollett first “attempted to gain attention by sending a false letter that relied on racial, homophobic and political language,” an apparent reference to a letter sent to the “Empire” set in the days before the attack.

“When that didn’t work, Smollett paid $3,500 to stage this attack and drag Chicago’s reputation through the mud in the process,” Johnson said. “And why? The stunt was orchestrated by Smollett because he was dissatisfied with his salary. So he concocted a story about being attacked.”

Eddie, who seems like the kind of dad you’d really hate to disappoint, had some additional words about the obvious harm that’s been caused by Jussie’s alleged stunt.

And of course, the rat turd jimmies atop this shit sundae were sprinkled on shortly thereafter.

According to Deadline, Jussie’s attorneys say he’s innocent, criticized the CPD for being leakier than 98-year-old hooker, and claim they “intend to conduct a thorough investigation and to mount an aggressive defense”, which I’m not sure anybody’s ready for yet. Jussie’s role on Empire is also in danger as Fox and producers are thinking about suspending him.

We just got over the roller coaster ride of being attracted to those hot Nigerian brothers when we thought they might be MAGA thugs, only to find out they were innocent of that, but guilty of taking down their body-building Instagram account. I don’t know how many more twists and turns we can take in #thesetryingtimes!


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