St. Angie Is Here To Say That She’s A Phoenix Rising From The Ashes

September 13, 2017 / Posted by:

I like to imagine happier times, when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were ruling the box office and they probably spent their evenings sipping rare French wine watching their joint checking account balance whirl up and up and up like that National Debt Clock that spooks shit out of half of Manhattan. Now that they’re separated, St. Angie has recognized she needs to work a room and hawk her artsy-fartsy shit as well as commercial stuff so she can keep the Child Army in the palaces they’ve all grown accustomed!

While there were murmurs the duo might get back together, you wouldn’t guess it from what Angie told People:

“I have had my ups and downs. I guess I am a little bit stronger. We all have our difficult times, but as a mother you also have a responsibility first and foremost towards the kids. They are going through their formative years and everything else comes second to that.”

By stronger, I’m feeling that she’s really saying, “I’m stronger because I don’t get a damn contact high anymore from walking past the downstairs powder room because there’s no longer a babbling idiot hiding in there toking up on a bong and crank calling George Clooney.” Angie added it’s going to all be about the children, which I’m sure 16-year-old Maddox loves knowing Mama Bear is going to be around watching like a hawk when he’s finally getting to be of age where it’s HIS turn to be the teenage babbling idiot in the powder room toking up on a bong and crank calling George Clooney.

Speaking of the kids, Ang also did an interview with The New York Times where I’m not sure if she confused it with an Oscar-voting member of the Academy or the reporter mistook Angie as a Pulitzer-voting member of whatever Survivor tribe it is that votes on the Pulitzer:

“I asked Ms. Jolie if she ever felt like the coach of a small team, and she replied that more often she felt part of a fraternity.

‘They really help me so much. We’re really such a unit,’ she said. ‘They’re the best friends I’ve ever had. Nobody in my life has ever stood by me more.’

That last sentence hung in the air, perhaps a subtle allusion to, or indictment of, Mr. Pitt, who adopted Maddox, Pax and Zahara, and is the biological father of Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne. The dissolution of their 12-year romantic partnership came last September, after an incident aboard a private jet — purportedly involving Mr. Pitt and Maddox — prompted her to file for divorce.

And scene! Hear that, Brad?! Sounds like two of you are dancing yourself to bed with “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”!! At least you have the rest of the Ocean’s 11 crew to be your friend if Angie won’t!

Pic: People

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