UsWeekly Says That Brangelina’s Divorce Is “In Limbo”

August 9, 2017 / Posted by:

I always snicker and holler, “OBSOLETE!” when I go to Ellen DeGeneres’s Twitter and see that pinned photo from the Oscars where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are included in her *bE$t A-LiSt FriEeEEeEnDzzz 4EvR* shot. Well, not only do I frighten people surrounding me at Panera when I yell, I am apparently the obsolete one, as Us Weekly is out with a report saying Angelina may have gone down to her attorney’s office to play a game of “Just kiddinggggggg” when it came to those divorce papers.

A source, who could honestly be anyone when you live in a house with 900 children at prime tattle-tale age, gave the deets:

“The divorce is off. They haven’t done anything to move it forward in several months and no one thinks they are ever going to.”

I read Brad’s interview in GQ… you know… the one where the covers all looked like he was half-assedly trying to do Joey’s smell-the-fart acting from Friends. I walked away thinking, “Self-betterment heh?! Sober EGADS!!! Word choice to show he knows his way around a thesaurus?? Fack, they’re getting back together.” Sorry Rachel Green fans, but it sounds like Angelina took note, too. Brad has apparently went off the hooch cold turkey, and he’s taking his vodka crans sans the vodka. Apparently this “warmed” Angie, as that’s “all she ever wanted.” Well, that and maybe also directing a movie that people actually go and see.

However, just as I was about to file this and find a gordita for lunch, Gossip Cop says this story stank. They say nobody from Camp Brad – which used to be all about hitting the good kush and polishing off a fifth of Stoli – was mentioned in the article because there isn’t a story to tell. So NYAH! Plus, allegedly, Angie’s media marionette game painting him like a nasty dad right after the split doesn’t sit well with him. They also claim it’s an interestingly timed plant since it was only a few days ago when she was being portrayed by Vanity Fair as literally taking cash away from poor kids.

Oh, you know this is just how those two do foreplay before they start boning each other. One plants a series of a good stories for us to read, the second plays hard-to-get with the “Nuh uh are you getting in these Missouri chinos!” stories. We all lap them up, they announce they’re getting back together by traipsing together through that mine field that Princess Diana walked through back in the day because, well, they’re Brangelina, and then they’re back together. In a way, it’s kind of like we’re in some weird media threesome with Mr. and Miss. Model UN 2017.


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