Taylor Swift Testifies That The DJ Absolutely Grabbed Her Ass

Another day, another questionable courtroom sketch of Taylor Swift. This time we’ve got Taylor Swift looking like a self-portrait of Joni Mitchell if she replaced Susan from the classic Milton Bradley game Guess Who?. But (no pun intended) let’s get to Taylor Swift’s testimony in her butt-grabbing case. Or rather, ass-grabbing case. Taylor made it very clear and in no uncertain terms that it was her “ass” that was grabbed.

Taylor seems like a gee-shucks sweetheart girl-next-door who would call the area above her legs her patootie, her heinie, her tushie – anything but her ass. How vulgar! But that’s not the Taylor who took the stand today in Denver for about an hour with David Mueller’s lawyer Gabriel McFarland. ABC-7 in Denver took notes, and Taylor did not come to fool around and waste time.

Taylor described David Mueller’s alleged butt-grab at a 2013 meet-and-greet as “a definite grab, a very long grab,” and that it was long enough for her to be “completely sure it was intentional.” She continued:

“He stayed on to my bare ass cheek as I lurched away from him uncomfortably. The first couple of milliseconds, I thought it must be a mistake. I moved to the side very quickly. After this happened, a light switched off in my personality. I just said in a monotone voice, ‘Thank you for coming.'”

When asked why her former bodyguard Greg Dent didn’t do anything, she shot back: “His hand was under my skirt, on my bare ass.” Taylor also implied that David Mueller and his girlfriend seemed a bit intoxicated when they came to take a picture, but adds that’s “perfectly normal.” What wasn’t was that David, according to Taylor, was “very intentional” with his hand placement. Taylor was pretty confident about everything.

“You can ask me a million questions about it and I’m never going to say something different,” Swift says. “I never have said anything different.”

Actually, confident might be an understatement; Taylor’s sights were set to “destroy.” When asked why, in the picture taken of the alleged butt-grab, the front of her skirt wasn’t lifted up at all, Taylor answered:

“Because my ass is located on the back of my body.”

Taylor’s mom Andrea Swift wasn’t in court today (she was reportedly sick), but she did take the stand yesterday. Variety says Andrea testified she wasn’t there to witness the butt-grab, but that she pointed to David Mueller and said: “He sexually assaulted her – right there, that guy.” Andrea also says she and her daughter’s management went to David’s bosses at KYGO in hopes that he would be fired from his radio job (which he was). But that they didn’t go to the police because they didn’t want the event to “define” Taylor’s life.

Taylor’s lawyer, J. Douglas Baldridge, had “absolutely no questions” to ask Taylor when she was on the stand. No kidding. She kind of covered it all with Gabriel McFarland, who obviously underestimated Taylor. At one point, Gabriel reportedly asked Taylor if she ever watches police shows on television. Taylor answered by informing him she named her cat Olivia Benson after the detective from Law & Order: SVU. Hopefully Gabriel will do a little more research on Taylor before he shows up to court tomorrow. Poor Gabriel – just wait until he discovers that Taylor Swift seriously does not play when it comes to legal matters.

Pic: Backgrid