Goopy Paltrow Admits That She Doesn’t Know What The Hell Goop Is Talking About 

June 6, 2017 / Posted by:

Organic, cruelty-free snake oil saleslady Goopy Paltrow was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to push her latest scheme, $90 vitamin subscriptions. Since she was there to talk about Goop, Jimmy Kimmel brought up a few of the crazy/dumb/fucked-up/all-of-the-above things that her site has suggested that their readers do. Things like walk barefoot on the earth, squat pee and shove a jade egg up their cooze. Jimmy Kimmel wanted Goopy to explain some of that shit, and with one of them, she couldn’t, because she knew nothing about it. Bless the Goop fans who struggled while holding a jade egg in their cooch as they squat peed into a dirt hole with their bare feet on the soil because they believe Goopy herself did that too.

Jimmy Kimmel asked Goopy about earthing, which is the brand new practice of walking barefoot in the grass. Sure, earthing could lead to you stepping on a used heroin needle or losing your hoof to sidewalk bacteria, but she says that it also gives you some kind of electromagnetic thing we as humans don’t have. And then she finally admitted that she has no idea what she’s saying.

“So one of the things we like to do on Goop is find what the alternative world says about feeling good in the modern-day world. I don’t actually know that much about earthing and it came out of me not knowing anything about earthing, but hearing about it. They say that we’ve lost touch with sort of being barefoot in the earth, and there’s some type of electromagnetic thing that we’re missing. So it’s good to take your shoes off and walk in the grass… I don’t know what the fuck we talk about!”

Goopy also doesn’t know what squatting is. Goop had an article about how squat peeing can give you a better life and a flatter stomach, and when Jimmy told her about it, she did what most people did when hearing about it: trick laughed.

“I don’t know! I’ve never heard that before!”

And finally, Goopy really made jade eggs shoot out of twats from shock by admitting that the jade eggs she sells on her site have never made their way up her own Goop tunnel.

“So, the jade egg is an ancient Chinese practice where women insert the jade egg in their lady parts to help tone the pelvic floor. I don’t know [how it helps do that]. I need to start the jade egg practice. We sell tons of them and women have had incredible results. It acts like a small weight and tones the pelvic floor.”

Either Goopy is laughing at the ridiculousness that Goop produces to look down-to-earth in front of the peasants who watch Jimmy Kimmel Live!, or she’s laughing at how she’s getting richer from people buying shit she knows jack about. Thankfully this major revelation doesn’t affect those of us who will never buy anything from Goop and will continue to laugh at it.

I probably cursed myself with that last line. Watch, will announce that they are exclusively selling a platinum edition of the Golden Girls Clue game.

Pic: ABC/

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