Usually when Christmastimes roll around and a few of my loved ones ask me if I want anything for Christmas, I say, “Oh, that Christmas shit is for children and I don’t need anything but your love… However, I don’t want to make you feel bad, so…“, before whipping out my What I Want For Christmas catalog complete with pictures, Amazon links and my favorite kinds of weed strains. But this year, all I have to do is scream five wonderful words: THE GOLDEN GIRLS BOARD GAME!
I woke up this morning to the usual shitty news on my Twitter feed, but sprinkled amongst the tundra of depressing nuggets of crap was a freshly sprouted Florida orange blossom in the form of news about The Golden Girls Clue® board game. Hasbro has made up for retiring the thimble from Monopoly and killing off Mrs. White in Cluedo by gifting us with the Golden Girls version of Clue®. The site USAopoly (via Nerdist) has it listed as “coming soon” and will sell it for the bargain price of only $39.99! If the price was “your relative with the healthiest organs and the golden horn of a unicorn,” I’d still say, “That’s it?!”
Nobody gets murdered in Clue®: The Golden Girls. The object is to figure out who ate the last cheesecake, what room did they eat it in and what evidence did they leave at the scene of the crime? Honestly, eating the last slice of cheesecake is worse than murder. You can play as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, Sophia or as one of two faceless boyfriends. Did Hasbro not get permission to use the face of Coco the Cook, or Stan, or even Blanche’s slutty niece Lucy?!
And here’s the evidence. I guess they also couldn’t get permission to use the likeness of Rose’s teddy bear Fernando.
Finally, this is what the game board looks like. It’s all wrong and doesn’t match the layout of Blanche’s house at all.
But who cares! I still want to play the fuck out of this game and I’ll happily bitch about the layout and the lack of Coco the Cook while doing so. The good news for me is that it looks like The Golden Girls Clue® game will only be available online. My co-pay is way too high for me to go to the doctor to get my head stitched up after a fellow old gay elbows me in the face as we fight for the last Golden Girls Clue® game at Target.