This Is Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend®

May 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Yes, I’m sure Taylor Swift owns the trademark for “Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend” and I’m also sure that anyone who uses it without her permission will see her in court!

It looks like Tay Tay’s PR Team has hit up Costco and filled their trunks with Red Bull, coffee and No-Doze (and meth if they were able to find a dealer in the parking lot), because they’re not going to be able to sleep now that her PR train is up and running again. Choo choo! Tay Tay is coming back!

Yesterday, TMZ posted exclusive pictures of Taylor visiting her mom on Mother’s Day in Nashville. And today, both The Sun (so the Brits get this important news) and People (so us Americans get this important news) say that she’s moved on from British actor Tom Hiddleston to British actor Joe Alwyn, who looks like Taylor Swift with FaceApp’s dude filter on her face. They look like they sit real close to each other on the same family tree. This is some Flowers in the Attic shit.


A source tells The Sun that 27-year-old Taylor and 26-year-old Joe, who was in Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, have been dating for several months and it’s so serious that she rented a house near his family’s place in North London. Joe still lives with his parents, apparently. Taylor has been trying to keep their true love on the down low and puts on disguises whenever they go out. The source adds that Taylor’s favorite disguise is a Katy Perry mask and wig because people really leave her alone and act like she’s wall when she puts that on. No, the source didn’t say that, surprisingly.

But the source did say that Taylor and Joe have known each other for a long time and they’re the “real deal.” Oh, I’m sure they are the real deal. Taylor probably felt a spark on the inside when she gazed at Joe’s headshot after going through a pile of headshots that her PR team presented to her after she told them that she wants to cast another white British actor as her next boyfriend.

“Taylor and Joe are the real deal, this is a very serious relationship. But after what happened with Tom Hiddleston, they were determined to keep it quiet.

This isn’t a new couple alert or a secret relationship – the only people this has been a secret to is the media because all of us, Taylor and Joe’s closest friends and their families, were aware they have been together for several months and have known each other for a longtime.

After her 1989 tour and all the attention Taylor received, she learned she had to be more protective of her personal life and she and Joe decided early on to keep their private life private.”

And so another summer of photo-ops and real love begins… Joe better start working on his knot skills and practice dodging bullets. Because when he goes to Taylor’s Fourth of July party in Rhode Island and she tells him to put on an “I Heart TS” tank top to go frolicking in the ocean for the paps, he’s going to want to make an escape rope out of bed sheets and he’ll need to dodge the tranquilizer darts that her security guards will shoot at him as he runs for sweet freedom!


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