Woe Is This Useless $400 Juicer….

April 20, 2017 / Posted by:

I have a juicer and it’s currently wearing a luscious layer of dust in my kitchen cabinet. I hardly use it, because I tried to juice Runts candy with it, and that didn’t work (weird, I know), and all of the preparing and cleaning takes forever and is really, really, really hard work. After I’ve cut all the fruits and stupid vegetables, juiced them and torn my arm tendons from cleaning that machine, I don’t want to drink a thimble-sized amount of orange/ginger/carrot/spinach/whatever juice. I want to relax from doing all that hard labor by sipping some vodka and sucking on a joint. So when I heard about a space-looking juicer that doesn’t require any clean-up, I was intrigued… But while you don’t have to clean up the Juicero, the Juicero will clean up your checking account, because it costs $400! That’s a no from me. And it looks like it may be a no from the ones who can afford a $400 juicer. Because Juicero is pretty much useless.

Doug Evans, Juicero’s godfather, apparently thinks of himself as the Steve Jobs of juicing. Doug spent three years perfecting his masterpiece, which is supposed to be a Keurig for juice. A Juicero won’t just set you back $400 (which is a bargain since it was originally $700), you also have to buy bags of chopped fruit and vegetables to use it. Each bag costs $5 to $8 and each bags pisses out only 8 ounces of juice. Suddenly all the chemicals in a 10 cent cup of Tang don’t seem so bad.

Investors poured millions of dollars into Juicero, Inc., because they thought some Wi-Fi connected juicer was going to be the Tesla of the juicing industry. It turns out, that the Juicero is about as useful as a car with rocks for wheels.

Bloomberg Technology says that after Juicero landed on the market, investors were not amused with it. It’s bulkier than what they were originally pitched, and worse, they found that they could produce the same amount of juice by using a highly technologically advanced tool called: their own fucking hands. The investors discovered that you don’t need Juicero to squeeze the juice out of the bags, you just need your own hands. Basically, Juicero is a $400 bag squeezer.

Bloomberg tested it out. The Juicero and the Handsero squeezed out almost the same amount of juice at the same time. Bloomberg’s reporters hands squeezed out 7.5 ounces, while the Juicero squeezed out 8 ounces. And in some cases, the reporter was able to squeeze the juice out faster than the machine. Behold the whoops:

One investor told Bloomberg that they wouldn’t have even met with Doug Evans if they knew you could squeeze that shit yourself.

After this story went everywhere, Juicero’s current CEO, Jeff Dunn, farted out a long note saying that they’ve always known you can squeeze their bags yourself. Jeff says that value of their engineering wonder of a juice machine is much more than a glass of juice. The Juicero is connected to the internet, so Jeff says that it can do things your hands can’t, thankyouverymuch!

1. The first closed loop food safety system that allows us to remotely disable Produce Packs if there is, for example, a spinach recall. In these scenarios, we’re able to protect our consumers in real-time.
2. Consistent pressing of our Produce Packs calibrated by flavor to deliver the best combination of taste and nutrition every time.
3. Connected data so we can manage a very tight supply chain, because our product is live, raw produce, and has a limited lifespan of about 8 days.

The thing is, the “hand-squeezed juice bag” idea isn’t bad. They should drop the price and sell those. Not that I would buy them. Because if I’m going to exert my hands while squeezing something, it’s gonna be a dick. But seriously, I’m sure Juicero will be okay, because there’s many Goopy Paltrows out there who can’t be bothered with the peasant task of juicing. They need their hands to do other things, like adjust their $66 jade pussy huevo.

And I bet that at every grocery store in the country right now, one of the original juice bag bitches, Capri Sun, is laughing at fancy ass Juicero.

Pic: Juicero

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