For Why Did They Cut Off Thor’s Luscious Mane?!

March 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Entertainment Weekly released a ton of pictures from Marvel’s newest cinematic nerd Viagra, Thor: Ragamuffinorsomething, and they should’ve put a giant warning on the cover. Because it looks like Thor went down to the nearest Supercuts and got the haircut that every straight guy named Brian or John gets before a job interview. That golden luscious mane is Thor and Thor is that golden luscious mane. Without it he looks like some regular guy wearing a Thor costume from Halloween Town to Comic-Con. Okay, a regular guy with muscles the size of pantyhose stuffed with cantaloupes, but still a regular guy.

I’m no nerd and Thor’s hair is still emotionally upsetting to me. It’s like when Felicity cut her hair. The stocks for brushes and leave-in conditioners plummeted! The only way I’ll be okay with Thor’s basic ass haircut is if we find out that shifty Loki could no longer fight the jealousy he felt over Thor’s gorgeous locks, and one night he cut that mane as Thor slept and made a wig out of it. And Loki better wear that wig throughout the whole damn movie.

The third Thor movie also stars Tessa Thompson as Valkyrie, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Karl Urban, Jeff Goldblum and Cate Blanchett as Hela. I don’t know if Cate Blanchett looks like Liv Tyler starring in a direct-to-streaming remake of Underworld, or if she looks like Rita Repulsa’s goth sister who is the lead singer in a Gwar cover band.

And this is what Jeff Goldblum looks like as someone called the Grandmaster:

That right there is somebody’s dad who is finally living his lifelong dream of getting a role in a community theater production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. And yes, I’d hit it until that Smurf skid mark fell off of his face. Or is that one of the Blue Man’s landing strip?

Pic: EW

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