If you have a cat, you may have been wondering why your pussy spent a piece of yesterday bowing down to the broomstick you keep in the corner in your kitchen. That was your cat’s way of paying homage to the American Cat Lady Queen and yodeling broomstick Taylor Swift on the 27th anniversary of her birth.
Taylor turned 27 yesterday and while her squad covered her with air kisses on social media (because they’re contractually obligated to) and companies like Rent-A-Famous-Boyfriend gave thanks to the existence of their most loyal client, her ex-piece John Mayer probably shit on her. And according to blind items, not in the way he usually likes to shit on a chick.
John Mayer must still be in sore in the asshole over Taylor supposedly writing that song about how he popped her cherry with the tip of the white hood on his David Duke dick and then dropped her. Because yesterday on Taylor’s birthday, John Mayer declared it International Lame Day. John eventually hit the delete button on that tweet, but Entertainment Tonight host/producer Katie Krause captured it in all its asshole-y glory before it went away:
— Katie Krause (@Katie_Krause) December 14, 2016
Like John, I have the humor of an 8-year-old who farts onto the birthday cards he gives his friends, so I laughed. But many didn’t and I guess John didn’t want to risk the Swifty Squad secretly replacing his Valtrex with laxative pills, because he later said that he’s not guilty of shade in the first degree.
Looks like I shouldn’t have deleted this tweet… pic.twitter.com/ujWhDkMY2H
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) December 14, 2016
John’s got pure pettiness running through his douche veins, so he was totally hating on Taylor. But December 13th is also the birthday of Dick Van Dyke (PC modern name: Penis SUV Lesbian) and John could be a Dick Van Dyke-hater. If that’s the case, send John immediately to Death Row for hating on a national treasure. Although, Donald Trump and his mostly-LGBTQ-hating cabinet would pardon John after hearing that he hated on a Dyke.