Canada’s Jesus Thinks Instagram Is The Devil
You know who’s really the devil? Yes, I am for calling that dried crotch cherry “Canada’s Jesus.” But the devil also lives in the stylist who put that look together. Justin Bieber looks like a Quints-fied Jeffrey Dahmer mixed with some Stanley Tucci in Lovely Bones and a drop of Terry Richardson. He looks like a child-touching child. That picture should come with a whistle and some holy water.
Instagram used to be one of the many churches where crazed Beliebers could worship their idol, but on August 16, 2016, a light in their life went out when he left IG. Since the Biebs is a toddler gremlin who feeds off of social media likes, I thought that he’d bring his page back from the dead eventually, but he hasn’t yet. And during a show in London last night, he dribbled out a Kanye-like sermon about the evils of Instagram.
The emotions of the Beliebers were probably twisted up in a giant knot of confusion last night. On one hand, the Biebs is their sun, moon, stars and oxygen and his word is solid gold to them. But on the other hand, social media is their sun, moon, stars and oxygen and they’d DIE a quick death if they went one day without hitting the share button on Instagram. Way to fuck with their emotions, Bieber! He really does hate his fans. This is what he burped up about how the Land of THOTs and Fit Tea is his own personal Hell:
“Who thinks I should get my Instagram back? Nah, I don’t want to get my Instagram back. Instagram is for the devil. I’m sure … I think hell is Instagram. I’m, like, 90 percent sure. We get sent to hell and we get, like, locked in the Instagram server. Like, I’m stuck in the DMs. I’m trying to climb my way out and I can’t. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
And if you want to see the video of Beliebers not knowing whether to boo or cheer, here you go:
He may have a point, but after watching all three and a half minutes of that clip, I’m, like, 90 percent sure that Hell IS a Justin Bieber concert. Okay, 100 percent.
Here’s more of Justin Bieber looking like a My First Serial Killer Doll in London last night.
