Donald Trump Apologized Last Night

October 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Where were you when the whole damn Internet burned down yesterday? The Washington Post released video and audio of a 2005 conversation that crusty Betadine remnant and presidential hopeful Donald Trump had with Access Hollywood host and Ryan Seacrest Xerox copy Billy Bush in which he bragged about groping women.

The orange anal fistula (don’t Google that) capped off yesterday’s festivities with the release of an apology video last night. Donald brudgingly issued an apology, of sorts, while looking like he had several advisors off-camera forcing him to READ FROM THE TELEPROMPTER DAMN IT by threateningly holding Bic lighters near his pristine collection of vintage Hustlers. Alec Baldwin is already writing his Emmy acceptance speech for “Outstanding Guest Star In A Comedy Series.”

Here’s the transcript:

I’ve never said I’m a perfect person, nor pretended to be someone that I’m not. I’ve said and done things I regret, and the words released today on this more than a decade-old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me, know these words don’t reflect who I am.

I said it, it was wrong, and I apologize.

I’ve travelled the country talking about change for America. But my travels have also changed me. I’ve spent time with grieving mothers who’ve lost their children, laid off workers whose jobs have gone to other countries, and people from all walks of life who just want a better future. I have gotten to know the great people of our country, and I’ve been humbled by the faith they’ve placed in me. I pledge to be a better man tomorrow, and will never, ever let you down.
Let’s be honest. We’re living in the real world. This is nothing more than a distraction from the important issues we are facing today. We are losing our jobs, we are less safe than we were 8 years ago and Washington is broken.

Hillary Clinton, and her kind, have run our country into the ground.
I’ve said some foolish things, but there is a big difference between words and actions. Bill Clinton has actually abused women and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed and intimidated his victims. We will discuss this more in the coming days.

See you at the debate on Sunday.

He sounds like Dr. Doom. Couldn’t Melania have stolen him something more heartfelt and affecting?

I am ENTIRELY curious how the already infamous “grab them by the pussy” line will be handled on Sunday in St. Louis. It’s not a laughing matter, but we know that moderator Anderson Cooper gets the nervous giggles. You know Kathy Griffin will send him a “grab them by the pussy“-esque Snapchat right before the debate starts to make him lose composure. Will he try to say it, lose it, and co-moderator Martha Raddatz will have to verbally check him?

And I think veteran actor and grumpy old people representative Robert De Niro speaks for many of us:

You can watch Donald Trump’s apology video here.


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