The Alien Lizard King Interviewed Tom Hiddleston And Refused To Ask About “A Certain Someone”

September 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.

For their interview for Interview, Bendystraw Cumburntsnatch called Tom who was in Australia filming Kong: Skull Island. It seems like their conversation happened before Tom’s internal screams were shushed by his and Tay Tay’s publicists deciding to not extend their short-term contract. B. Cums brought up Tom’s work for UNICEF and his trip to South Sudan, which led to the Alien Lizard King getting all sanctimonious and shit by saying that famous actors should not be asked about their personal lives while promoting a project. QUICK! If you’re one of Tay Tay’s minions, pull up a velvet fainting couch behind her, because trick is going to go down as soon as she reads this part. It goes against everything she believes in!

CUMBERBATCH: I agree. How could you deny that impetus, having witnessed it firsthand? I can’t even imagine what effect that must have on you. And there’s another weight of us being in the public eye, which is this presumption that, because your work and your promotion work is very public, your private life should be, too. And, without getting into a huge debate, I just want to say that I’m not going to ask questions about my friend’s personal life just because there are unsolicited photographs of him and a certain someone, in a relationship or together. I’m not going to get into that. So that door is closed, dear reader.

HIDDLESTON: [chuckles] Thank you.

CUMBERBATCH: You’re welcome. I know you’d do the same for me.

So B. Cums pretty much brought up Taylor Swift while saying that he’s not going to bring up Taylor Swift and those unsolicited Rhode Island pictures. Okay, but what I really want to know is, does the word “unsolicited” mean something different on the Alien Lizard King’s home planet? Because on earth, it means “not asked for; given or done voluntarily” and doesn’t mean, “planned, story-boarded, choreographed and rehearsed with and by a team of publicists, body language experts and art directors.

And here’s more pictures from Tom’s Interview spread of him looking like a leather daddy dom who’s about as threatening as a bunny in a bonnet and whose idea of rough play is tickling your sides until you say the safe phrase, “Remember you wore that tank top?” That’ll make Tom immediately stop tickling you because he’d need his hands to lay his face on as he silent weeps.

Pics: Steven Klein/Interview

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