The only thing that could mentally prepare my brain for three-and-a-half hours of Taylor Swift pageant queen hugging everyone during last night’s feels-like-FOREVER experience (aka the Grammys) was knowing that at some point in time, Rihanna would come out and save us all by tapping her pussy along to the time during a performance of “Work“. For days leading up to the Grammys, I’d go to my happy place and picture RiRi ripping two giant hits off a bong packed with space weed before slipping into some slutty business wear from Men’s Whorehouse. Sadly, I never got my reward for sitting through that mess, because RiRi was at home in a pile of phlegm-covered tissues.
A few hours before RiRi was set to slither onto the red carpet, TMZ announced that she had cancelled, and it was all because she was fighting with that skanky bitch bronchitis for a few days before the Grammys. According to Billboard, she was scheduled to perform “Kiss It Better” and was pounding antibiotics (“How ironic” said her album) to get rid of it, but it didn’t kill the infection fast enough. RiRi’s doctor told her she was at risk of hemorrhaging her vocal cords and put her on vocal rest for 48 hours. It wasn’t all shitty though; RiRi did show up for rehearsals, and a source claims Princess Ooh Na Na “killed it.”
Shortly after it was announced she wouldn’t be there, RiRi took to Twitter and apologized to her fans for her no-show.
#NAVY so sorry I couldn't be there ….. Thanks Grammys and CBS for your support tonight.
— Rihanna (@rihanna) February 16, 2016
Succinct? Polite? No shade? Damn, Rihanna is sick.
Rihanna barely gives any fucks on a good day, so I’m surprised she didn’t respond to her doctor by shrugging and writing “Eh, I’m gonna do it anyway” on a white board. A performance is more than singing, after all (see: whatever Lady Gaga was doing last night). RiRi could have been rolled out on stage in a hospital bed by a dozen strippers while playing “Kiss It Better” on a Panasonic CD boombox, and it still would have been better than half the performances from last night. Not to mention that you know RiRi would work the hell out of an assless hospital gown.