Martin Lawrence Is Over

I was going to title this shit “RIP Martin Lawrence,” but it’s Monday and nothing would be crueler than making you think that there will never ever be a Sheneneh movie.

E! News and People both say that Jennifer Lawrence’s nipples are no longer getting hard as she inhales the bland scent of Chris Martin’s ass burps, because they have broken up. Martin Lawrence first became a thing this summer and they were never really photographed together together, but they did end up in the same picture in September. I know, your soul is probably still raw and bloody from being rocked by that breaking news. Now they’re over for whatever reason. People and E! News didn’t say. Maybe one of Jennifer Lawrence’s friends knocked her out of the waking coma she was in by hitting her over the head with her middle finger umbrella and she realized that fucking Goopy Paltrow’s leftovers is no way to go through life.

I don’t even know if they were actually ever together. If a bear shits in the woods and nobody smells it, did that bear really shit in the woods? If Kim Kardashian gets married and 200 cameras aren’t there to document every whorey detail, did Kim Kardashian really get married? If Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin never posed together in a staged photo-op, were they ever a couple? Was this a failed PR stunt or just one of those “get stoned and bone two times” situations or did we all just make it up?

Anyway, since JLaw is really into British dudes who look like they cry after cumming, I’m guessing she’ll start dating either Benedict Cumberbatch or Prince Charles next. Since Chris Martin is really into blonde Oscar winners, I’m guessing he’ll start humping on Zero Dark Thirty’s gorgeous sound editor.

And once Goopy Paltrow finishes gooping out of her goop holes while cackling over this news, she should get back with Chris Martin, because they really are a match made in insufferable cunt heaven. Why fight it?