I sometimes watch Dr. Phil (I know, I’m an idiot) and if I’ve learned anything from that super-smart talking walrus, it’s that people have a currency. As in, the thing which means the most to you. For example, my currency is Doritos. Michael K’s is heart-stopping elegance and sophistication. Obviously, Michael Phelps’ currency is swimming – the Geico Cavemen’s handsome half-brother loves to swim. So after getting busted for his second messy DUI last week and volunteering to go to rehab, People says that USA Swimming decided to punish Party Dolphin by suspending him from swimming for six months and forcing him to withdraw from next year’s world championships. They released this statement explaining why:
“Michael’s conduct was serious and required significant consequences. We endorse and are here to fully support his personal development actions.”
USA Swimming says that drinking and driving violates their Code of Conduct, so they also snatched away six months worth of his sweet government funding money. Damn, USA Swimming don’t play! Although really, they only give him $1,750 a month, so that’s – what – $10,000 gone? That’s nothing for Michael Phelps! Hell, that’s nothing for Mama Debbie – she spends at least $2,000 a month on tasteful statement necklaces from Chico’s.
The only real silver lining to all of this is that Party Dolphin already qualified for world championships in Russia next August, which is the thing you do if you want to compete for the Olympics. And since we all know Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmuh IN DA WORLD, this DUI mess probably won’t hurt his chances for taking home 1,864 more gold medals.
But what if there’s a swimming pool at rehab? Isn’t there always a fancy infinity pool at fancy rich person rehab? If you’re going to go through the mental and emotional distress of draining every ounce of party out of your system, at least they can try to make things a little better by letting you get your splish-splash on. So will USA Swimming be hanging out around the pool at Phelps’ rehab to make sure he doesn’t swim? Can he at least be allowed to float on a pool noodle or play marco polo? At least give him marco polo!