And The Stunt Queens Keep On Stunting: Amber Heard Might Be Pregnant

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Now that Johnny Depp has let the stunt queen cat out of the bag by confirming that yes, THAT RING is that ring (in case you’re curious, the stunt queen cat looks like Sonja from Heathcliff) Amber Heard has been faced with the task of finding a new reason for people to give a stray cat’s dingleberry about international A-list super couple Herpderp (I’m working on it). According to InTouch, one of Amber’s ex-boyfriends, Mark Wystrach, approached them in a not-at-all suspicious way to recite this completely unscripted quote:

“She’s pregnant already! I saw her three weeks ago. Amber and I dated years ago but we are still close.”

Then Amber removed the pair of Groucho glasses she was wearing, started rubbing her hands together and maniacally cackling “Oh Amber, you genius you!” as the camera slowly pans to the desk in front of her where we see a marker next to a yoga magazine with the headline: “Why stretch? Here’s 10 reasons!” Meanwhile, Johnny is staring at the former shell of himself in the bathroom mirror, remembering that there’s no fool like an old fool, and that he’s getting played harder than the 7th game of the World Series of Publicity Stunting.

Because discovering the truth about fake pregnancies is my X-Files, I WANT TO BELIEVE that Amber’s womb is as vacant as the stare coming from Johnny Depp’s eyes in the picture above, but I’m not so sure. Amber’s gold digging stunt queen game is growing at an accelerated rate, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was able to mentally will a baby into existence (well, it’s still too early for it to look like a baby; right now it’s just a tiny dollar sign Blingee).

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