“Justin! Look over here honey! Can you smile please? I know you’re tired, but I’d like to send a Gammy a picture of you at the zoo. Justin honey, if you don’t smile, we’re going home and you won’t get to see the baby pandas.”
Awww, Baby’s First DUI Trial; they grow up so fast! Pattie Mallette must be so proud of her lil’ angel; she’s probably at home right now cleaning off the dried formula puke from his christening suit. He’s going to need to look his best because TMZ is saying that Justin Bieber’s Miami DUI case will be going to trial. Everybody cross your fingers, cross your dog’s fingers, find Finger Street on a map and cross it; do whatever you need to do to make it so Judge Judy presides over this trial.
Knowing that every aspect of Justin Bieber’s DUI arrest was messier than his finger paintings, Miami prosecutors have offered to sweep everything under the rug with a no-contest plea to reckless driving and mandatory drug testing for 6 to 9 months. Sources connected to Bieber say they will refuse any plea presented to them, especially one that involves probationary terms like drug testing, because baby-baby-baby-DUH, he’d fail a drug test just by looking at it. Also, Justin would rather eat off-brand Goldfish crackers than admit he was being a shitty driver by taking a plea deal, so it’s likely to go to trial. Sadly, he has the power of shitty police reports on his side, which means the whole thing could get thrown out and he’ll be back to ripping down the street in his Power Wheels in no time.
However, if the universe takes pity on humanity, and Justin is found guilty of DUI, resisting arrest, and driving on an expired license, he could be sentence to 2.5 years in prison. Oooh, I know what I’m dreaming about tonight. We open on a humid Florida courtroom. The jury consists of 11 guys named Skooter and a gator wearing a pair of bifocals. Pissed off that they’re missing cheeseburger fuck hour at the Waffle House, they all agree to just “get this shit wrapped up and send this motherfucker to prison”. BRB, I need to go write a play called 12 Angry Bros.