Kristen Bell And Dax Shepard Got Married Yesterday

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard were waiting to ruin their lives with marriage until every human on Earth got the right to ruin their lives with marriage. But if they waited until marriage was legal to everyone in the US, they’d have to ask Marie Laveau to serve them a shot of immortality, because it’s probably going to take a while for every damn state to get with the rainbow.

UsWeekly says that Kristen and Dax, who became parents to the 16th US president 7 months ago, weren’t even planning on getting hitched. They went to the County Clerk’s Office in Beverly Hills to get a marriage license, but they shrugged their shoulders and said “Fuck it, why not?” when an employee offered to marry their asses on the spot.

When I first heard that these two got married on a THURSDAY, my last nerve splintered a little bit, because I CAN’T with bitches who schedule their wedding on a damn weekday. I think I’ve whined about this before, but I’ve heard about people throwing big weddings on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and my first thought is always, “You expect hos to use a vacation day to chew on chicken-flavored rubber at your wedding?!” But my nerve smoothed when I read that they got married at the Clerk’s Office. I’m guessing that Kristen and Dax decided to take the employee up on their offer, because the employee was a sloth.